Awesome Teen Mag

That’s What She Said

May 26, 2009 · Filed under Advice, Trends · Tagged Borat, Jamie Foxx, Paris Hilton, That's what she said

It’s no secret that we here at ATM love a good trend. We’re usually the first ones to jump on the bandwagon, immerse ourselves in taking full advantage of its trendiness, and (more often than not) the last ones to let it fall to the wayside. Take for example Wayfarers, the emo scarf, and this season’s jump suit. We’ve embraced them, loved them like they were our own, and still work to keep their awesomeness alive (in fact, Co-Creator A is wearing all three today!). But in our attempt to be your definitive source for all things awesome, there’s one trend that we’ve pushed too hard (that’s what she said!!): the “that’s what she said” catch phrase.

While it might seem like catch phrases are born out of thin air—think Borat’s “niiiice” or Paris Hilton’s “that’s hot”—we here at ATM know that it takes a lot of time, dedication, and many a blank stare to coin a catchy phrase. Over the past week we have sacrificed our pride (and a few friends) as we experimented with some new slogans to bring you what we believe will become the season’s hottest vocal accessories:

Polly want a cracker?

This commonly heard phrase makes the perfect ending to any awesome story you tell. For instance, after boasting to a friend that you scored a free drink and a hot guy’s number at a bar, follow up with “Polly want a cracker?” It’s less offensive than “now what, bitch?” but has a very similar effect. It also makes a great cut down. When someone talks up something they’ve done, don’t ask if they want a cookie, just look them square in the eye and say, “Polly want a cracker?” You’ll take the wind out of their sails in no time!

Blame It on the ah, ah, ah, al-cohol.

We’ve all sung along with Jaime Foxx’s hit song, but now it’s time to steal it and make it your own (just like Flo Rida did with Dead Or Alive’s “You Spin Me Round”). When someone says something unbelievable, controversial, or downright crazy, you’ve got every right to interject, “blame it on the [enter culprit in the form of a stuttered word].” Just the other night, an ATM fan expressed how cool it was that Co-Creator A had written a Google Newsfeed worthy post. To the incredible news, we responded, “blame it on the al, al, ala, Alison,” to give her a much deserved shout out

If I were a magician…

This multi-purpose phrase is certain to change your life. Someone getting on your nerves? Tell them “if I were a magician, I’d make you disappear.” Bestie lost her hobo bag? Tell her “if I were a magician, I’d pull it out of my hat!” We may not be a magician, but we’re enough of a psychic to tell you this one’s going to take off!

Dunzel Washington

Tired of the same old “dunzo” label? We’ve combined the name of a favorite Academy Award Winning actor with the act of something being over to create this soon-to-be-a-classic phrase. If something is tired and stale, just look at your friend/co-worker/mom/mall employee and say “that is so Dunzel Washington!” (This phrase is in no way, shape or form affiliated with Mr. Washington himself, nor does he endorse its use.)

A Warning: While funny, we don’t recommend making loud whale noises. Trust us on this one.

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A Textual Relationship

April 30, 2009 · Filed under Advice, Friends · Tagged blackberry, Jennifer Aniston, Spencer Pratt, Twitter

Remember back in elementary school when you were assigned a pen pal with whom you wrote back and forth every week? You knew nothing about this person other than they were a student in the same grade as you, but you still shared your day-to-day musings with them like you’d known them for years. Sure the letters were no more than a few sentences long (later those would be called “tweets”), but it killed time during the usually boring school day to write and read these back and forth letters. Plus, there was something rewarding in telling a complete stranger about the ups and downs of your life (as up and down as they can be in 5th grade). They didn’t care that you didn’t like Ecto Cooler, kicked your crush in the shins or got a C on your Island of the Blue Dolphins book report. They were always there to listen.

Then, when we became too cool for school (or at least our school assigned pen pals), we turned to AOL chat rooms, where we found new electronic buddies who were always just a click away. No matter when you were online, one of your buddies popped up to be your best friend and confidant. (And occasionally you’d even tell them your real name.)

But where do we turn now that we’re in our twenties? Chat rooms certainly aren’t cool (unless you’re Chris Hanson trying to catch a predator) and who has time to write a letter? (If you can’t do it from your Blackberry, what’s the point?) That’s why here at ATM, we suggest finding a texting buddy, someone who will return your text at a moment’s notice to do nothing more than satisfy your need to “just tell someone.”

Ever feel like a jerk when you arrive alone to a party with no one to talk to? (Don’t worry, you’re not alone: we’re pretty sure Jennifer Aniston deals with the same thing all the time. Just with more toned arms.) You’ve spent all day talking to your real friends, so you have nothing to text to them, and Tweeting will expose your jerk status to the world (not like that’s ever stopped Spencer Pratt. BURN, Pratt!). If only you had a texting buddy, someone who would happily accept your text and reply back, making you look cool in front of the room full of strangers. (Or at least giving you somewhere to avert your gaze.)

But, like all good relationships, there are rules in having a texting buddy. It’s important that you’ve met them, but even more important that you never want to see them again. You need to establish that your new texting buddy is not a crazy person (sorry, Octomom), but has the same sense of humor and keeps the same hours you do. We suggest picking someone at a bar (but not your favorite bar). It’s perfect, if you think about it! You’ve spent a drunk hour talking to this person, so you already have something in common. At the end of the night exchange numbers and bingo! Instant texting buddy!

As a rule, you and your new texting buddy can’t share friends, neighborhoods, or similar plans. You’ll need to be as vague as possible to ensure your texting buddy relationship doesn’t extend outside its intended purpose. This can lead to awkward real-life run ins, and we don’t want those (see: Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad). Keeping your relationship strictly text-onic is essential. You’re not looking for a BFF or a soulmate. Just someone you can message when the guy in front of you at the DMV farts. Or winks. Or both!

With proper nurturing (it’s a two-way street afterall!), your texting buddy will be there for you when you’re pissed at your best friend, having a bad day at work, or need someone to flirt with. And you’ll be there for them. No matter the situation, you’ll have someone to chat with. But as we warned yesterday, don’t get too personal…we can’t have real life ruining the well crafted, perfect world we’ve created in our heads. We’d have to resort to pen pal letters again, and our Blackberrys couldn’t handle the work.

Our Crush in the (S)twitter

April 29, 2009 · Filed under Advice, Celebs · Tagged John Mayer, Katy Perry, Rob Thomas, Twitter, Zac Efron

Ok, ATM reader(s), we know that our Twitter posts are becoming as frequent as our Twilight posts, but seriously, what did we do before this fantastic Internet invention? How did we know what our friends were doing every second of the day? Or where our crush was having dinner so we could show up at the next table looking our best? (Not that we’ve done that.)

Yes, like you, we’re grateful to the Twitter creators and they’re incredible brains (though we still don’t quite get the Fail Whale…though that doesn’t stop us from using the phrase in daily conversation) for many reasons. The most important being this: Twitter helped us dodge several bullets and for that, we are so thankful.

What do we mean you ask? Well, as red-blooded American girls, we, like all our peers, develop crushes on celebs. Sure, nothing will ever come of them (though Co-Creator A spent a good year of her teendom believing she really would marry Noah Wyle), but we daydream anyway. Celebs seem to have it all together: they’re hot, talented, rich, philanthropic, and charismatic. What’s not to love?

But our friend Twitter exposes so many of those celebs for who they really are, effectively killing our crush, thus freeing up our affections for other, often not-Twittering crushes. And the circle of life continues.

This week, Twitter completely crush-killed two people for us. Rob Thomas and John Mayer. Both ridiculously hot, ridiculously creative, ridiculously talented rock stars who have always seemed like a hoot and a half. Turns out they’re both big weirdos who talk WAY too much. Since we started this post alone, Rob Thomas has tweeted 6 times, saying such fascinating things as “funny word: kumquat.” Yeah. And that was one of at least 5 other equally funny words. And last night he said he had nothing to say, so he would just say “HAGADAGA.” We would have preferred he said nothing at all.

Even worse than formerly hot Rob Thomas is formerly hot John Mayer. We love John Mayer. We love that his music, we love his comedy (what happened to that Vh1 show of his??), we even love his ugly little guitar-playing faces, but like Jennifer Aniston, we had to end our relationship with him because of his Twittering.

It’s not that he says annoying things, so much as he says things that make no sense and he says them so often that we’ll go days without seeing anyone else’s Tweets because his take up our whole screen! The guy won’t shut up! He talks constantly about absolutely nothing…for instance, last night he posed a series of fascinating questions: “Why am I so obsessed with limited edition Nikes? What makes them so limited? Is the world running low on rubber? Who are you? Where’s Doris?” (How is it possible that he can fit all that into a post, yet Dina Lohan can never complete a sentence without getting cut off and claiming censorship?) He also revealed his morning routine when he told us “My day? Starts the same: I wake, I eat a pouch of Jelly Belly Sport Beans and then punch myself in the nu-what? Go back? Sport Beans, yah.” Though we do have to give him credit for one thing, unlike other guys, he explains his bad moods, “I think I’m manstruating today” (to which Katy Perry responded “me too”).

At any rate, it’s safe to say we won’t be pining for either of these weirdos anymore. Instead, we will give our celeb adulations to other, less net-savvy hotties. Here’s hoping Zac Efron never joins Twitter!

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Working on our Twitness

April 28, 2009 · Filed under Advice, Celebs · Tagged Britney Spears, Heidi Montag, Lindsay Lohan, New Moon, Twitter

There are few things we love more than a sunny afternoon, which is why we’ve been anxiously awaiting the arrival of flirty springtime weather (almost as much as the release of New Moon)! We ripped through our closets, searching for the perfect frock to debut, smiled proudly knowing that our white wine spritzers wouldn’t leave us with red wine-dyed teeth, and started working on a much needed tan from the comforts of our favorite park. It was the perfect weekend of spring preening until we got the dreaded invite to lay poolside in an effort to further rid ourselves of our pale, Twilight-esque skin.

While we’ve known all along that bikini season would rear its ugly head, we’re still completely unprepared to bare it all. In an attempt to fast track our way to a rockin’ bod, we’re neither going to stop eating ala Lindsay Lohan (Big Mac, Shmig Mac! Mmm, Big Mac!), nor jump on the Nurti-System bandwagon like K-Fed (et. all). Instead, we’re going to sit on our non-bikini ready asses and closely follow our Twitter accounts. Seems almost as productive as taping photos of hot guys to the fridge, right? Wrong. Following Twitter is more productive than a Jackie Warner workout on Bravo and cheaper than mail order diet pills, so sign up or log on and start shedding those pounds and tweeting your way to a slimmer you!

It doesn’t matter if your extra winter pounds came from those empty calories consumed playing the Twilight Drinking Game, the breakup of your family and/or downfall of your career (ahem, B. Spears) or loss of a contract with a big time weight loss plan company (Kirstie Alley, we’re talking to you), this plan is simple.

Step one: follow @giulianarancic

Just this morning we followed the E! News host (and apparent exercise guru) to do 35 minute intervals on the treadmill (2 sets run, 2 sets walk) and stomach crunches on a medicine ball.

Step two: follow @shanamoakler

A shockingly die-hard workout enthusiast (who would have guessed after taping her reality show almost entirely from her bed), Moakler was championing her 2 week Bikinibook workout challenge, which she says is so simple that even we “can do it!”

Step three: Repeat

Back to @giulianarancic and a toast to her favorite master cleanse (mmm…lemon water and cayenne pepper). Then @shanamoakler told us she was enjoying her favorite healthy snack: almonds.

Step four: Rest

The most important part of a workout is to know your limitations. Don’t overdo it. Following celeb-u-jocks can be daunting. Give yourself a few minutes to chill out with a bottle of water and a granola bar. HOLD ON! Scratch that last part! Just when we thought our work out was over, @michael_phelps shows up with his own encouraging tweet to eat healthy and go swimming. (Won’t that give us a cramp?)

And while we do condone following the Twit-ness habits of the stars, we don’t recommend following @britneyspears who loves BBQs or @nicolerichie who eats Egg McMuffins on a regular basis.

But as a back up plan, you will want to follow @heidimontag. If all the workouts don’t work right away, Heidi’s daily affirmations will definitely make you want to puke.

Trash Talk

April 27, 2009 · Filed under Celebs, Rants · Tagged Blake Lively, Chris Pine, Jude Law, Kristin Cavallari, Star Trek

As Earth Month comes to a close we can’t help but be proud of ourselves for all the good we’ve done for the planet over the past few weeks. Besides the obvious (we publish ATM online instead of printing it on paper), we’ve gone above and beyond to conserve energy, become environmental advocates for a myriad of green causes, and have logged many miles walking instead of driving. We have turned off our computers (which explains the serious lack of posts this month), attended a lot of eco-chic soirees around town, and have ordered some adorable eco-friendly totes in which to carry our groceries (and we didn’t pick next day delivery because airplanes use way more fuel than UPS trucks!). Yes, dear reader(s), we have truly gone green. But in all our efforts to reduce our environmental impact there is just one thing we can’t get behind: recycling.

For anyone who’s watched TV this month (hey, we gave up our computers…isn’t that enough?!) you’ve noticed that Hollywood is abuzz with the inevitable summer blockbuster, Star Trek (umm when did Chris Pine get so hot?! We almost didn’t recognize him as Nicholas from Princess Diaries 2!), heard that the spawn of Will Smith will be the new Karate Kid, and can’t believe that instead of making another Friday the 13th sequel they’re just going to remake the original. Welcome to the year (make that the next few years) of the movie remake. We would be fine with just one remake (Star Trek, please. We need some steamy Chris Pine big screen space thriller action), but we can’t handle a whole summer of movies we’ve already seen. This is why, here at ATM, we are saying no to recycling: no to the recycling of great (and not so great) ideas past.

Sure Porky’s has its place in the Movies to Watch Hall of Fame (or at least on the Saturday morning TBS lineup), but does Howard Stern really need to remake it? We’ve never seen 1939’s Sherlock Holmes so why would we want to see it now (well, Jude Law as Watson might persuade us)? Even that movie Last House on the Left is a remake. And it doesn’t stop there. Some of our favorite TV shows are being recycled to the silver screen: Land of the Lost, The Smurfs, I Dream of Jeannie, Knight Rider, and Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Really?! Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?!

And speaking of TV, they, too, have paid homage to the three R’s: reduce, reuse, and recycle. They reduce the amount of quality television, reuse the same actors, and recycle the same plot lines. Did you hear that Kristin Cavallari is going to replace Lauren on The Hills (really, sloppy seconds AGAIN, Kristin?!)? And perhaps you saw Daisy De La Hoya on the premiere Daisy of Love last night, which you guessed it, is a blatant rip off of Rock of Love. (Plus, I Love New York and I Love Money contestant 12 Pack showed up to compete for the tart’s affections!) Couldn’t they have at least come up with a better name? (We would have suggested Daisy Chain of Love.) When Flavor of Love threw down the spin-off card, at least they had the decency to change the title to I Love New York. Totally different.

In a world so currently inspired by change, we here at ATM will stand tall and continue to just say no to entertainment recycling. Let black and white movies stay black and white and leave You Spin Me Right Round on the jukeboxes of 1985. To rally the cause we’ve set up a picket to happen tomorrow in front of the 90210 zip’s Goodwill. We hear that Blake Lively just dropped off some of her old duds, so we thought we’d kill two birds and hit that up.