Dear Guy Friday,
I caught my boyfriend cheating with the new girl, Peppy, on our squad. He says she doesn’t mean anything to him but I’m not sure if I should believe him. He still wants to come on our family ski trip this Christmas, but rumor has it, Peppy, will also be on the mountain. How can I trust that I am his only ski bunny?
Signed,
Stolen routine
Dear Stolen Routine,
That is absolutely terrible. As a sensitive guy myself, I cannot understand how someone could find so much joy in terrorizing you emotionally. You must really be hurting right now. Not only has he sabotaged your trust in guys, but he has gotten in the way of your team chemistry and camaraderie. This guy must be a total idiot. He had a great relationship with a beautiful woman and he ruined it. You’re a cheerleader so you must be hot. And flexible. What a douche! (Which reminds me, could you send me a photo of yourself? It always helps me to see exactly who it is I am advising. Something in your cheerleading uniform, preferably. If you don’t have one in your cheerleading uniform, your school one will suffice.
As for the issue at hand, part of being in a relationship is the assumption that both parties are being faithful. Since he has hurt you so deeply by betraying you, there is no way that you will be truly happy with him in the future. You will question every time he heads to the backside of the mountain. Every time he heads up to the slopes, you will wonder if he is riding the gondola, the ski-lift, or maybe just Peppy (is this girl’s name seriously Peppy? What the fuck? I’m sorry if you’re related to anyone named Peppy but shit, her parents deserve to be shot). Anyway, the only way to make him see how badly he hurt you is to give him a taste of his own medicine. Show up to the slopes with a strapping ski instructor/advice guy. If that doesn’t get his attention, arrange for him to walk in on you with said ski instructor/advice guy in the hot tub.
I would be happy to meet you by the fireplace in the lodge to discuss this over hot cocoa with mini-marshmallows and a foot rub (between practice, dance routines, hitting the slopes, and running through my mind, your feet must be so sore!) I’m a great listener and I can go all night. Listening, I mean. Consider this a huge hurtful learning experience. Having learned that guys can be manipulative, you should really seek a man that provides the joy you truly deserve. Find a new routine, something that may teach you something about yourself. And that knows how to cook. And write poetry.
Sincerely,
Guy Friday Guy
P.S. Keep the orchid out of direct sunlight, and water once a week. If you need anything, you have my personal email. Oh, and as for Peppy, kill her with kindness, and poor pyramid support. And remember, sometimes stealing isn’t so bad. Give me a day in the mountains to prove it, and I’ll steal your heart.
