Ok, so as a few of you speculated (thanks for the vote of confidence, a-holes!), we were April Fools-ing you with that whole CNN thing. We hope all of you had a fun day full of Ashton-worthy punkings (none as great as ours, though!).
BTW, if any of you reader(s) have friends at CNN, tell them about us! We kind of bought into our own hype this afternoon and Co-Creator A might cry herself to sleep a little bit tonight. (Deep breaths, A, one day you’ll meet R-Patz.)
Our dear ATM reader(s), we are SO very sorry that we have been MIA for a few days, but we think the absence will be totally worth it (and not just in the heart growing fonder kinda way). You see, we have been in very serious talks with none other than Atlanta’s own CNN Headline News to host our own three minute entertainment spot and as of this afternoon at 2PM, we’re hired!! (Obvi they’re trying to up their ratings…take that, Fox News!) That’s right, no longer will you have to listen to Guiliana and Ryan’s annoying banter (BURN, Rancic and Seacrest!) to get your daily pop culture fix, now you can see the bright and shining faces of Co-Creators A and M during the Awesome Teen Entertainment Minute! (Ok, we’re still working out a title.)
Not only will this show be a huge stepping stone for our careers (A can finally pay her rent!), but it also brings us one step closer to our ultimate life goal: MEETING ROB PATTINSON!!!!
We’ll keep you posted on the whole thing, obviously, and will continue our daily writings next week. And, of course, as soon as we know our premiere date, we’ll let you know. We can’t wait to be in your houses every night (we’re no Edward, but you’ll get used to us!)!!
Hey there ATM lover(s)! We’re sorry that this post is coming to you so late, but we had green eggs and ham at the office this morning, which led to a healthy green salad, which led to a healthy dose of green beer. Needless to say, we’re a little tipsy (and very full!). But, we know that you can’t properly start your mid-week drinking without a shot of ATM and thus, we put together this St. Patty’s-inspired post for you and your clansmen. Set aside your corned beef and hash and dance a jig…here we go!
Tom Brady: Sure he’s easy on the eyes and a decent football player (or so we’re told), but this guy wouldn’t make many headlines if he hadn’t dumped one super model (Bridget Monahan) for an even hotter less pregnant one: Giselle Bundchen. He and the Victoria’s Secret angel got married last week. (But don’t fret, boys, if history is any guide, he’ll break up with her as soon as he knocks her up!)
Jessica Biel: One of the dullest doorknobs on the planet, this plain Jane bagged herself one of the hottest men on the planet: Justin Timberlake. If that didn’t require some serious Irish luck, we don’t know does! And now rumors say that she’s going to start singing. It will take more than a couple rounds of Guiness to make us listen to that!
Charlie Sheen: This guy MUST be 100 percent Irish. Nothing about him should be famous and yet, he’s got it all! Top-rated sitcom, check. Series of relationships with relatively hot Hollywood ladies (Heidi Fleiss’ girls not included), check. Successful(?) t-shirt line, check. Not to mention, he’s one of the only guys in Tinseltown with babies with normal names! (Though unlucky for them, when they end up in a class with kids named Knox, Pilot Inspektor and Zuma, they’re bound to get the crap kicked out of them.)
We at ATM have never considered ourseleves to be all that lucky, but this weekend, a little bit of that luck of the Irish rubbed off on us. One of our creators was imbibing at a pre-Patty’s Day soiree at the home of a friend when a tornado touched down in downtown Atlanta. The unprecedented weather event tore up our town, and ripped right through her apartment building, taking with it most of the floors above her and knocking out her windows. Luckily, her roommate was also out, but their cat Lucy was home at the time. Leprechauns must have been watching over the kitty, because she survived unscathed and a couple days later, our fearless co-leader and her roomie were able to rescue her-and the few remaining water-soaked belongings they had left. This may not sound like a lucky story, but no one was killed or badly hurt and we have our beloved co-creator safe and sound, so we’ll drink a green beer to that! Note To Celebs: Sick of supporting tired causes like Katrina relief and that all-too-oft-mentioned war in Iraq? Are you looking to jump off the political bandwagon? (Scarlett and Oprah have that covered anyway!) We’ve got your cause right here: It’s tornado relief in downtown Atlanta! With so many stars calling the ATL home, what better way to show support than to band together and work beside the residents affected by March 14th’s devastating twister? And nothing says ‘I support your plight’ like a free concert! Ludacris, Jermaine Dupri, Monica, T.I., Ciara, remaining members of TLC, this is your call to arms! Clean up the city with your hearts, and soil it again with your Parental Advisory-warranting lyrics! Or, if you’d like to make a more personal impact, may we suggest taking one of the now homeless victims in as a house guest? Imagine the lifelong friendships you could make when you’re matched up with a displaced Atlanta resident. And since they’ve lost most of their belongings, no need to worry about clearing out space in your cedar-lined fur closet. Your chinchilla coats won’t be disturbed at all. You can bring your new friend along on your daily outings. (T.I. for you this could include strip clubs, all you can eat buffets and gun-purchasing parking lot rendezvous!) And imagine the fantastic press you will receive when word gets out about your altruistic endeavors! Monica, everyone will forget that it’s been a solid decade since you put out something worthy of heavy rotation when they see how generous you are. Ciara, people will stop suggesting you might be a man when they take note of your heart of gold. J.D., maybe you could feed the relief workers with some So So good food? And the efforts aren’t just open to residents of the ATL. In fact, I’m pretty sure Co-Creator would be willing to let Angelina and Brad adopt her and take her in. That is, if Rev. Run’s house is already full.
Dear Guy Friday,
Last week I got caught under the mistletoe with my best friend’s dad. What should have been an awkward moment turned into something more. I now think I have a crush on him. He tells me he’s been sleeping on the couch for months and that he’s thought about our first kiss for years. Do you think this is a good idea or will it put me on Santa’s naughty list?
Seeking a holiday miracle,
HoHoHomewrecker
Dearest Homewrecker,
Quite the pickle you find yourself in! Let’s examine your situation a bit closer: On the one hand you have the ultimate romantic dream: the passionate attentions of a wise, wealthy, witty, urbane older gentleman. On the other, equally awesome hand, you have the jealous, envious glares from the not-as-cool girls in the hallways, the constant whispers among both seniors and teachers alike, and the admiring ogles of pre-pubescent boys wishing they too had silver short and curlies and a drivers license so that they would be worthy of your attention.
Now if this is truly the case, I say go for it! You are in the perfect situation, and you might as well capitalize—marry the fool, refuse any and all attempts at prenups, get pregnant as quickly as possible, and chuckle at your good fortune. While all of your friends are busy at college experiencing “love,” “blacking out,” and “experimentation” you will be laughing all the way to the bank, 20 years ahead of those slow-witted biatches!
Now if in reality your aged wannabe-lover is a bit over weight, going slightly bald, usually smells like lectric shave and stale beer, makes 30k a year, and wears skid-marked tighty-whiteys until 4 in the afternoon on Saturdays, then I might reconsider my options if I were you.
I recommend focusing your attention on the older brothers of your friends. The gossip in the halls will suggest that you must be way cool to score an older guy, they always have cool cars, and they will always provide you with all the Mikes Hard Lemonade you can drink.
Lastly, always remember the Celebutante Rule of 10s and you will always be the coolest girl around: Never get busy with a man more than ten years older than you, a man ten years younger than you, or more than ten men at once.
Sincerely,
Guy Friday
