Long ago (longer than we care to remember), the birth of reality television gave us all hope that no matter what our situation, we could make it in this world. Who cared that you were failing out of college, got fired from your dead end job, or had your heart broken by the love of your life? Reality TV was there to pick up the pieces, help you reinvent yourself and gain fame ten times that of your former life. When model Eric Nies stopped booking gigs, MTV made him a workout sensation and the host of his own TV show, The Grind. Just when small town Texas girl Kelly Clarkson thought she was destined to sing in a church choir, FOX made her a pop sensation. And when Travis Stork couldn’t find love on his own, ABC made him the most attractive man in the country, gave him the chance to date Carrie Underwood, and landed him the spot as TV host on The Doctors (the best daytime talk show since Better Half!). Names like LC, Audrina, Whitney, Spiedi, Kim, and Brody would mean nothing to us without reality TV (and coincidently, US Weekly probably wouldn’t exist). If these nobodies can wind up walking red carpets and rubbing elbows with REAL celebs, then what could we have to worry about?
But then something went terribly wrong. In what could prove more devastating than the day Co-Creator A read the words, “the end,” the economy went to shit at just the same time the casting directors of the world got lazy. No longer did they care to sit through 400 bad auditions a day, travel to small town America, or take a risk to find their next breakthrough reality star. Instead, they took the easy way out and began to cast washed up celebrities. It made sense: not only were they hard up for cash and looking for jobs, but they came with plenty of drama and camera ready experience. So much for the fat, drunk, slightly talented, and unemployed people of Middle America: There’s officially no hope for us. Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Rehab and American Idol (what’s up with casting already established contestants?!) have all ruined our chance at redemption and fame. Finally when we all desperately need jobs and it makes sense to go on The Apprentice, The Donald is looking to employ Joan Rivers, Andrew Dice Clay, Khloe Kardashian, and Dennis Rodman. You really think they are the ones to help rebuild your empire, Trumpy? Come on! Melania and Barron are better suited to run things!
And it’s not just you, dear reader(s). Like you, we’re stuck in the catch 22. While we’re excited to know what our favorite teen idols are doing (though we still don’t know how to talk to an angel, so consider Confessions of a Teen Idol a complete bust) and plan to watch MC Hammer’s Hammer Time every week, we quietly cry ourselves to sleep at night knowing that our only chance at appearing on a reality show is to live in a haunted house (mmm…Ryan Buell) and, well, Co-Creator M already moved out of hers. We’ll never be given a rose surrounded by candle light, we’ll never lose the weight gained by sitting on the couch watching hours upon hours of reality TV, and we’ll never become famous for nothing (Paris took her BFF search to London so we can’t even count on that!). Like you, we are about to ditch the headshot (but still keep it as your Facebook default, duh), write a resume, come up with a plan B, and lower our standards (though not low enough to take that awesome advice of Ms. Once-Head-Cheerleader and get a job as a waitress).
But fear not, dear reader(s), ATM to the rescue again! The popularity of the celebrity blog has grown by leaps and bounds and we have devised a plan to get us all noticed (and into the hottest parties)! Tell all your friends about Awesome Teen Magazine. Start Facebook groups dedicated to our awesomeness. Post your links to your favorite articles in forums all over the Internet. Buy an Awesome Teen shirt and wear it tonight when you go out. Write letters to E!, Extra, RPatz (it can’t hurt, right?) and tell them how awesome we are. With all your hard work, it will only be a matter of time before we’ve got a reality show of our own: Awesome Teen Magazine’s Awesome Teen Show: Live From The Awesome Teen Office. In 3D, just like the Jonas Brother’s movie of course!
After fulfilling your street team duties and making us famous (need a few pointers? Awesome Teen Fan Suzi can totally help!), post your name in the comment section and we’ll take you to the top with us. The harder you work the faster it will happen, so say ’screw you!’ to advertising and ‘yes!’ to the viral campaign! Together we will be more powerful than Ryan Seacrest, more famous than LC, and have our own Hollywood-pressured weight loss scandal (finally a diet that might actually work!). It’s a win-win for everyone. Well, everyone except Seacrest.
Archive for Reality TV
Fame: We’re Gonna Go Ahead and Live Forever
An Open Letter To MTV
Dear MTV,
ATM co-creators here! While it’s no surprise that we’re suckers for your marathons (when did you start showing Degrassi?! Oh, Canada!), we have to admit that you’re getting a bit predictable with your programming: Bratty 16-year-olds, twenty-something’s with wild habits and zero inhibitions, or guys throwing up, riding their BMX bikes into trees and falling down. At this point, if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all (although kudos on Real World’s transgender casting…(s)he’s proving to be a fascinating, if not often awkward <cough>pole dancing on a support beam<cough>choice!). We’re sick of seeing the same set…err, Los Angeles apartment backdrop (LC, Audrina, Heidi, Vanessa and Angela Simmons have all lived i that SAME apartment…imagine what that closet must look like!), bored from repeated Real World plot lines year after year (you’re back to New York AGAIN?!!), and don’t need to see another fashion hopeful from LA make it big (we’ve got good ideas on the East Coast, too!).
Sure giving Snoop Dogg his own show was a move in the right direction (did episode one really have to have Paris Hilton, though?) and we’re loving the third season of ABDC, but you’ve got to get a little more creative than this new College Life show. Just because you say it “is not reality…it’s real,” we see right through you. We’ve been with you way too long to know this will be nothing more than a Real World meets True Life knock off. (And if you’re going to do that, couldn’t you just bring back Sorority Girls? Now THAT was a great show! Remember the bitchy girls in that Jewish sorority in California?…that was cinematic gold!) The only difference will be the unsteady, handheld camera and rise in the blurred out faces/illegal activities (do you really think your drunken subject is going to take the time to get everyone around the keg to sign waivers?).
So since we’re fans and want to see you succeed, MTV, we offer you what we think will be the most real, most original programming your network has ever seen. As you know in 31 days, T.I. will be moving from his posh ATL crib to the pokey. And if Lil’ Wayne is found guilty on April 20, he could be facing 15 years. Did you see that Fabolous was busted with 500 pounds of weed the other day? There’s no doubt in our minds he’ll be following his rhyming buddies.
Instead of producing Road to Redemption 2 and 3, why not capitalize on their time in jail together? Perhaps call it, “The Iron Jungle: Doin’ Time on Cell Block D” and follow them through their real life struggles of making new friends, joining gangs, and their getting jobs making license plates. We can guarantee T.I. will try and council his fellow cell mates, Lil’ Wayne will get a botched tattoo, and Fabolous will probably still be high (he had 500 pounds of weed!). And with the growing rate of DUIs, you’re bound to have a few good celeb cameos over the years (you know Jason Wahler’s gonna stop by at least once or twice).
Just think of it, MTV, you’ll gain a new male audience, have rights to their inevitable prison-produced CD, and actually have a “real” reality show on your hands. Plus, you’ll have finally found the loophole into broadcasting a Chris Brown beat down, live on TV. Give T.I., Lil’ Wayne, and Fabolous 10 minutes alone with him in a jail cell and you’ll have the fight of the century on your hands.
As always, thanks for listening (and tell Whitney we say hi!),
ATM
PS- In no way is Ryan Seacrest to be affiliated. Mario Lopez, on the other hand, we’d be okay with that.
Re-VAMP-ing Miss America
Q:What do pregnant teens and Miss America have in common?
A: Crowning!
When Nickelodeon’s teen sweetheart got knocked up and the singing poster child for high school independence got naked, the world skidded to a halt for some much needed social evaluation. What sort of example were we presenting our youth? Were we telling our pigtailed cuties that it was okay to be pregnant and unmarried at 16? As the worldwide debate wages on, TLC attempted to answer the question, “is it okay that Nickelodeon continue to air episodes of Zoey 101 even though the actress is pregnant?” through the American tradition of pageantry.
In a blatant ratings plea, normally hum-drum TLC unveiled their interpretations of today’s female role model in the new, hip 2008 Miss America Pageant Saturday night. Reinventing Miss America to become the new social “it-girl” but claiming the same iconic role model status, the contestants slutted their stuff down the runway in a less than picture perfect fashion. Wearing outfits that covered less than usual (but with somehow just as many sequins), the “it-girl” hopefuls were asked to explain their outfit choices to their young female audience: the overwhelming red dress represented Miss South Carolina’s intense passion (she was totally sleeping with the host), the slit from ground to crotch showed off Miss Tennessee’s long, flexible legs (which we’re sure will play an important role in future charity work if given the opportunity to reign) , and the navel plunging neck line was just as low in the back because Miss Wisconsin considered herself balanced (where? In bed?).
Set to music straight out of Debbie Does Dallas and on a stage built to replicate the neighboring Vegas hotspot, the Sapphire Club, the ladies of the night proactively posed in their cleavage-supporting bikinis in, not a contest of swimwear, but rather plastic surgery, competing in cup size (sorry Miss Wisconsin…). The new Miss America, who was supposed to replace the Lindsay Lohans and Britney Spears of today, didn’t have teenage girls perfecting their posture and learning to walk with books on their head. No, this year girls began stuffing their bras and dropping it like it’s hot.
So when it finally came for the girls to open their mouth, TLC gave us what we’ve been waiting for: the hard hitting questions dominating the minds of today’s concerned public. Using a “man on the street approach” each contestant was asked an uncannily similar question (and without a cone of silence in sight!) And in what could be the contest’s morality-defining moment, one such man on the street (who was way too old to know about the subject) was asked: “Do you think Jamie Lynn Spears should be fired from Zoey 101?” Miss Indiana responded: “No, I do not think she should be fired. Teenagers make mistakes. They’re still people. They’re still human beings. We all deserve second chances.” (News flash Miss Indiana: we gave Britney a second chance-Jayden James-and look how well that worked.)
While we’re pretty sure TLC agreed with Miss Indiana’s stance on teenage pregnancy, they didn’t crown her the 2008 “It-Girl.” Instead, the title went to Miss Michigan, which one can assume was based on her decision to wear a Britney Spears-meets Nancy Kerrigan inspired sheer dress with strategically placed sequins. (It should be noted that the traditional Miss America song was replaced by a techno remix spun by the onstage DJ.) With a year to reign, the 19-year old will have just enough time to become the first Miss America teenage mom, ensuring huge ratings for next year’s pageant…which of course, is the most important point of it all.
MEMO- Attn: MTV
Dear Carson Daly, Kurt Loder, and Tabitha Soren,
Let me start by saying I was excited to see previews for Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet III. Finally…some new programming with the nostalgia of old. Maybe now I wouldn’t go around singing the ONE Keyshia Cole song that plays every 3.5 minutes, because we all know that the producers can fit at least 15 soon-to-be-hit songs in one episode of Road Rules. And maybe I wouldn’t have to pretend that having my mom pick my date is the real world. Ah, finally…some quality programming.
So when I sat down this week to watch the third installment of The Gauntlet, I expected to experience the Emotional Trilogy– 1. Annoyance: Oh God, MTV has yet another reality show? 2. Curiosity: I’ll just watch the first episode to see who’s on 3. Nostalgia: Aww, I remember that guy/girl from (insert name of Real World/Road Rules season here. But that didn’t happen this time. Nope. Instead, a new wave of emotions came rushing over me. So new, that I panicked: Oh my God, I don’t remember half of these people. Am I suffering from memory loss?!
The momentary panic attack subsided when the doctor told me that it wasn’t me…it was them. He explained that while MTV is quick to shove several previous RW/RR cast members down our throats (oh look everybody, Beth from Real World Los Angeles is back AGAIN.–That’s right. SECOND season Real World.), they have also been trying to introduce fresh blood without actually creating shows for them. Publicity stunts like Viewers’ Challenge and Fresh Meat gave MTV the chance to bring in a whole new group of competitors to shake things up, without actually spending any money on new production crews.
That said, I still couldn’t stomach not recognizing some of the returning vets. Who was Adam from Real World Paris? Wait, was there ever a Real World Paris? And I certainly couldn’t tell you which season of Real World Alex was on…even if I was a contestant on TRL’s Name That Cast Member game…not even if the prize was winning a date with Ryan Sheckler.
So here’s the reality: Give us what we want. You started the reality programming trend by doing something cool, trendy, and hip. I couldn’t wait to age 10 years so I could have my own apartment with roommates that resembled a Benetton ad. We don’t want to see these new contestants…”fresh meat” as you call them….we want the goods: we want feisty Veronica from Road Rules Semester at Sea. We want hot Adam from Road Rules: The Quest. Don’t you think viewers would be excited to know if Neil’s tongue healed properly? Or if Eric Nies still has abs of steel?
While you’ve created this non-real world with people who’ve won internet contests, been voted in by public majority, and have mutated livers allowing them to drink 10 times the normal amount, I’ll still be watching (it’s like staring at a train wreck)…but I won’t be happy.
Lovingly,
ATM
PS—I’m attaching my doctor’s bill. It’s only fair.
Editor’s Note: It has come to our attention that Carson, Kurt, and Tabitha are no longer employed by MTV. Instead there is now Sway, some British dude, and Kim from Top Model (WHAT?!). Thanks for making our point AGAIN, MTV.
