Miley Cyrus is doing it. Vanessa Hudgens sure isn’t. Saving your flower for your gardening groom is a tough row to hoe. If you’re straddling the purity fence, read on…
Though washed-up diva Whitney Houston said it best when she said, “I’m saving all my love for you,” younger B-list celebs have been the driving force in this virginal trend. Stars like Jessica Simpson, Hilary Duff and Miley Cyrus have been outspoken about their desire to save themselves for marriage. But is it right for you?
That doesn’t matter. Take a look around the cafeteria. Which girls are the ones you idolize? The popular ones. And why are they so popular? Because they’re hot? Maybe. Because they’re rich? Ehh. Because they’re doing it with half the football team? Absolutely.
The key to popularity is giving it up. Nobody ever got voted Prom Queen by keeping her legs crossed. If you think the cheerleaders honed their split skills on the field, you are sorely mistaken.
Virginity is for losers. Just ask those second fiddle stars, starting with Jessica Simpson.
In the early part of the decade, Simpson famously announced her virginal status to the masses. In a magazine article, the Baptist blonde pontificated her negative feelings towards prenuptial pinch and squeal. Around that same time, slutty pop rival Christina Augilera’s hit song “Come on Over” rocked the Billboard charts. And crushed Simpson’s pristine ballad “I Wanna Love you Forever.”
That whore Christina sure had it right. And so can you. Imagine how much cooler you will be when you play Truth or Dare and you can actually answer questions like, “can you get pregnant when you have your period?” and “does it really look like a purple snake?”
Additionally, your popularity will skyrocket when your phone number appears on the bathroom wall at your favorite local haunt. How else could you possibly expose your digits to the general public? The Yellow Pages? Please—Dullsville.
Think about every prom movie you’ve ever seen. Who spends the entire night thinking about requesting a slow Boyz II Men jam and eating banquet food? No one! The cool kids don’t even consider dancing if it’s not horizontal.
Prom is the climax to your four years of high school foreplay. (If you don’t know what that means, you might want to consider turning off your computer and taking this article to heart sooner than later.) After all of those agonizing hours in the classroom, daydreaming about your crush, what better way to show him you’re not just a crazy stalker than to give him the key to your heart. (And by heart I mean a hotel room down the street from the auditorium where the dance is being held.) Crazy girls watch from afar. Cool girls make out in the backseat of a car.
When in doubt, think about Jessica Simpson. While she might have been a wallflower in her foolish youth, she learned that by sleeping with, er, marrying, Nick Lachey she could increase her publicity and her record sales. Further proving the key to popularity is unlocking that chastity belt.
