Awesome Teen Mag

Dear Britney,

Hi there! Co-Creator A here. Long time listener, first time open letter writer. I wanted to drop you a note on this, the opening night of your Circus Tour, to discuss a few key points. I know you’re probably busy working on your routines, snacking on some cheese grits and tucking the boys into bed (I actually meant your sons, but if you thought I was referring to your dancers, that’s fine too…everyone needs a nap now and then.)

Anyhoo, Brit, I’m gonna level with you. I am a fan. F-A-N. I have seen every one of your tours (with the exception of that surprise club tour you did…how was I to know you’d show up at tiny little venues and wear a grubby faux fur coat  and wig and lip synch songs know one had heard yet?). I’ve even seen the ill-fated Onyx Hotel Tour. You remember that one, right? The one you CANCELLED due to a supposed knee injury just before you—let’s not mince words here, Brit—went nuts? Yeah. That’s kinda what I wanted to talk to you about.

I was just kind of hoping that between tonight’s opening and the show I’m set to attend on Thursday, if you could maybe not lose it and cancel the tour again? I know, I know, you’re not “Crazy.” (Get it? That’s one of your songs! See, F-A-N?!) I readily admit, I bought my tickets on eBay. (I guess you could call me a “Slave” to online auctions. Another song title! I’ve got a million of them!) So if you cancel, not only will I miss out on seeing your bright shiny face (less shiny than 10 years ago thanks to Proactiv. Yes, I remember that endorsement! You made acne fighting cool before original fat Jessica Simpson discovered the Atkins diet!) but also, I will lose out on a lot of money that frankly, I don’t have right now. (Incidentally, would you be interested in buying each of your dancers or members of your giant family in Kentwood ATM shirts? They’d make great Easter gifts! Or are you still in Kabbalah? In that case, they’d make great, umm, Kabbalah Tuesday gifts!) While the face value on my tickets is a mere $39, I paid $75 each. This should show my level of devotion to you, Brit. Maybe you could extend the same courtesy and show me a little devotion by taking your happy pills this week. That’s a girl.

Britney, I want to thank you for your time and for your contstantly entertaining antics. I refer respectfully only to your singing and dancing, mind you, and not of your tabloid exploits. (Though kudos on that whole head-shaving/umbrella-brandishing thing. Seriously. Well played, psycho!) I will continue to be a fan for as long as you record music. And as long as you DO NOT CANCEL YOUR SHOW ON THURSDAY. Let’s go ahead and hit it, together baby, one more time. (Ok that one didn’t really work.)

To Your Songs I Lip-Synch Along,
Co-Creator A

PS I’ve heard rumblings of a possible rift between the members of your opening act, The Pussycat Dolls. Could you perhaps have a little chat with them so their pussycat-fighting doesn’t cause any problems with the tour? I’d really appreciate it. I think some advice from you could really get them back “In the Zone.” (Aaaaand I nailed that one! F-A-N!!!)