Archive for February, 2009

What To Watch Tonight

February 17, 2009 · Filed under What To Watch · Tagged , , , ,

Editor’s Note: Navigating your way through the dense landscape that is primetime TV can be tricky. And no one knows this better than Co-Creator A whose DVR comes down with a serious case of the Mondays every week trying to keep up with Gossip Girl, House, How I Met Your Mother, Chuck, Jon and Kate, Paranormal State, The City and For the Love of Ray J. So, as a service to you, dear ATM reader(s), we have decided to post a semi-regular What To Watch column in an effort to help you find your footing.

Today, we bring you one of our new fave reality shows:

T.I.: Road to Redemption-45 Days To Go

Show Plot: Hustler-turned rapper/our adopted hometown hero T.I. has so many days until he enters prison for weapons charges (you’re already interested, aren’t you?) so he decides that in addition to his court-ordered thousand hours of community service (we did the math on that, PS and it’s a LOT of service), he will mentor 7 young hustlers in an attempt to keep them from the same fate. Hilarity ensues.

What You Might Have Missed: In last week’s inaugural episode, T.I. took young hustler Pee Wee (his real name) under his wing to teach him the realities of selling dope.  In a scared-straight style therapy sesh, T.I. threw Pee Wee in jail for an undisclosed amount of time (during said amount of time, T.I. ate a burrito, so we’re guessing it was at least 15 minutes), where he proceeded to holla at T.I. to let him out of his cell.  Just like in real prison!  But then ish took a turn for the serious, yo, when T.I. and Pee Wee landed at the morgue where the mortician happened to be working on the body of a “young hustler” killed in the park (though, they never said how he was killed, so as far as we’re concerned his death could have been the work of a vampire rather than gang-bangers).  Here T.I. gives Pee Wee some unsolicited advice by telling him, “I spent a lot of time with dead bodies and you learn it’s not the dead ones you got to worry about.”  Then perhaps, you shouldn’t have made a lesson out of the dead ones, huh, Tip? 

By the end of the episode, T.I. proves a worthy mentor and convinces Pee Wee to forget his hustling past and work towards his acting future.  Being the seasoned actor he is (didn’t you see ATL?), T.I. pulled out every novice actor’s favorite, Romeo and Juliet, for an impromptu read through.  While T.I. dropped it like it was hot with a delivery of Kenneth Branagh-level skill, Pee Wee couldn’t wrap his impressionable mind around the play’s theme.  Always the teacher, T.I. schools him yet again and puts the timeless play into perspective by explaining that the Capulets and Montagues are like the Bloods and the Crips.  Move over Michelle Pfieffer in Dangerous Minds…there’s a new Ese up in these parts.  As a final act of redemption, T.I. offers Pee Wee the opportunity to “be taken seriously as a thespian” (we almost wept in glee when T.I. said that) and makes an investment in acting lessons for our young Denzel.  It’s not the last we’ll see of this dynamic duo as T.I. extended an offer for Pee Wee to join him in LA (we didn’t know you could leave the state when you’re on your way to prison) to appear on stage together.  Great idea, T.I.. If he gets booed off stage, LA is a much easier place to score drugs to ease the pain.

Tonight’s Episode: Airs at 9:30 pm EST on MTV following the premiere of Dogg After Dark, which ironically sends the message that if you do drugs, you might one day be a famous rapper, star of your own reality show, and perhaps host a “late night” show during a primetime time slot.  We can only imagine what kind of hijinks T.I. will get into tonight, what with only 38 days to go.

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ATM Is Our Anti-Drug

February 16, 2009 · Filed under Advice · Tagged , , , , , ,

You may or may not have noticed, that our credo here at ATM is “enjoying your awkward teen years from the comfort of your mid-20s.” (Though if we’re going by our own ages here, we might have to amend that to late-20s/almost 30s soon. Yikes.) Anyhoo, as we did in our youth, we find our adult selves becoming victims to peer pressure. Around every corner, there are celebrities trying to run us off the moral high road. Lindsay Lohan turns to Coke to lose weight (which is odd because we always thought Diet Coke was better for that sort of thing). Aubrey O’Dey and Kim Kardashian pose for Playboy after claiming to be upstanding role models for young girls. And that darn Taylor Swift, possibly the worst of all of them, is selling a line of dresses at Wal-Mart, meaning we will have to start shopping there this spring. Wal-Mart?! That’s like a gateway drug to bargain bin shopping. What’s next? Dress Barn! The horror!

So when Michael Phelps gracefully took a hit from that bong and plunged himself back into the spotlight, we were torn. Sure, sure, we know drugs are bad (just ask that kid who played Hobie on Baywatch. Have you seen him on Confessions of a Teen Idol???), but finally, we fans could relate to the world famous athlete.  Wining gold medals and proudly wearing a Speedo? Those are two things we cannot do. But toking at a party? That could def be arranged for us! Maybe weed was the answer we’d been looking for all along. If nothing else, maybe it would land us on the cover of News of the World and Wills would finally dump his on-again, off-again, hat-wearing Brit tart and make us the princess we always knew we were! Or maybe marijuana would prove to be a gateway drug and we could finally follow our dreams of starring on a reality show. We’re too old for Real World, but we’ve noticed you’re never too old for Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab! (Plus, he’s totally hot for an older dude!)

But then we ask ourselves, ‘what would Miley do?’ Ok, maybe she’s a bad example…you know she’s gonna be photographed with a Jo Bro-sized bong any day now. What would Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez do? They’d never stoop to drugs to gain popularity. Hell, they can’t even put together a proper mean-spirited YouTube vid! Plus we wouldn’t know where to start looking for drugs. (We tried to friend T.I.’s first hustler-turned-rehabilitated-do-gooder on Facebook to score some green, but it turns out he wanted to meet in a dark alley and we’re not really spending time in places where we could get dirty. That’s why we haven’t spent a lot of time with Courtney Love. BURN, Courtney!)

Plus, we here are ATM are not ready to lose our fan(s) or go to jail.  Just because Chris Brown has a good chance of making a killer second album in jail, we don’t think ATM will translate…especially when we’re busy giving ourselves tattoos and rushing gangs (we hear the mixers are great, though).  

We understand that you are probably dealing with the same celeb-fueled peer pressures as us, dear reader(s) and we want to remind you that taking a stand against drugs IS the right thing to do, regardless of Whoopi Goldberg’s daily affirmation on the View that toking up every once in awhile is okay, especially if you’re young. So now, we will offer you the ultimate anti-drug: The Official Awesome Teen Magazine T-Shirt (patent pending). This shirt might not make you jump out a window because you think you’re covered in bugs (if you haven’t seen that 70s-era Helen Hunt PSA we highly recommend. No pun intended.) but it WILL make you the coolest kid on your block. Nay, in a three-block radius. Unlike drugs, you don’t have to buy this shirt from the trunk of a rapper’s underage protege, nor do you have to smoke it to feel its benefits.

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The Case of Carter v Brown

February 13, 2009 · Filed under Advice, Celebs, Gossip · Tagged , , ,

When Chris Brown went all UFC on our Rih Rih we, like you awesome reader(s), were a rollercoaster of emotions.  While we stand firmly on the principal that violence is never the answer and two wrongs don’t make a right (which, BTW could be the official slogan of the Olsens’ fashion sense…BURN, Olsens!), part of us secretly hoped that Rihanna’s mentor/promoter/big daddy, Jay-Z,  would make good on his Chris Brown “is a dead man walking” threats and take down the “Take You Down” singer.  Sure it wouldn’t be nearly as big as the East Coast v West Coast drama between Biggy and Tupac that we endured in our youth (we admit we don’t really know what actually happened. We were busy the night Notorious was in theatres.), but, on the other hand, with the division between the two camps, we would be able to take sides, feel proud to twist our hands into unnatural positions, and wear spray painted t-shirts.  All things that clearly define “cool.”  We shudder in excitement just thinking about it! Oh, wait…we were actually thinking about the new Hannah Montana movie.

But then we got to thinking: do we really need Jay-Z to sacrifice his holier-than-though H to the izzo, V to the izzay image to teach Chris Brown a lesson. No. As much as we’d love to see a Chris Brown beat down live on TV (think about it Pay-Per-View…it’s a great way to boost our economy), we urge Jay-Z to lay down his sword (obviously in his case it’s a platinum handmade samurai sword handled by his hired personal sword handler) and let Chris Brown pave his own destructive path.  We’re not ready for you to “disappear” on Beyonce. You put a ring on that and while you crazy photo shy kids may still deny it, we know you’re blissfully wed.  Plus, we don’t think we can handle a lover-lost album from her…it’s hard enough hitting the notes on the happy songs.

We would like to remind Jay-Z that emotionally confused celebs like Chris Brown are a dime a dozen.  Take for instance: 

Britney Spears. Remember when she attacked the paparazzi with an umbrella (shout out to you, Rih Rih!). Bad move, sure.  But you didn’t see Adnan Ghalib protecting his crew, now did you? Nope.  He stood back and let her do her own thing. (Incidentally, did you see that crazy pap laid his own smackdown on somebody last week? Violence begets violence, kids!)  

And who could forget the disastrous relationship that was Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston?! It’s no coincidence that after their dirty laundry (and assault and battery charges) were aired in the press, their careers went down the crapper. Ew. Crapper. We just remembered the horrible bathroom scene from that ep of their reality show. Ew ew ew.

 So Shawn Carter, save your threats for your music and rise above this modern day West Side Story (how hot would the dancing in THAT be?!). This is one battle that will have to wait another day. But if you feel it necessary to retaliate, remember the effectiveness of angry lyrics (are you and Nas playing nice yet?). That whole ’sticks and stones’ thing is total crap.

And if violence really must be your answer, consider throwing money (and by money, we mean gift certificates to Sunset Tan) at Ryan Seacrest and paying him to do your dirty work.  We’re not concerned if he gets hurt.  Plus we don’t mind if he spends a little time—nay, a LOT of time—in jail.

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What Not To Do Today

February 12, 2009 · Filed under What Not To Do Today · Tagged , ,

Don’t do something illegal just for the excuse to go hide out in Las Vegas like Chris Brown. What happens in Vegas might stay in Vegas, but what happens before you get there stays on your rap sheet.

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Awesome Teen Mag Reader of the Week

February 11, 2009 · Filed under Celebs, Reader of the Week · Tagged , , ,

Here at ATM, we’re not blind to the impact our words have on our reader(s). We know that when we say ‘jump’ you say ‘how high?’ (And if you don’t jump, we’ll send Chris Brown to go all Disturbia on your ass!) And one such jumping reader is Miss Paris Hilton.

 
Obviously a fan from way back, and not looking to be outdone by her former bestie Kim Kardashian, Hilton read that we were late comers to the Twilight trend and decided to join us on the already-departed-from-the-station-bandwagon. Hilton commented earlier today that she “just saw Twilight for the first time, and I have to say that I think Rob [Pattinson] is a beautiful man and an amazing actor. He’s fabulous!” (If we’re being honest here, we only agree with half of that sentiment. He is indeed beautiful, but the second half of the statement says something about Hilton’s own acting abilities. See: The Hottie and the Nottie.)

 
Paris, who prefers to start trends rather than follow them (don’t lie, you know you had t-shirts made with your own face on them as soon as she started rocking her self-promoting tees), hadn’t thought to become a Twilighter, claiming she didn’t get the hubbub surrounding the pop culture phenomenon. (To be fair, we feel the same way about her.)

Lucky for her, we at ATM like to talk about Twilight. A lot. (You probably hadn’t noticed.) And we peaked her interest: “Now I understand all the hype,” she said, obvi referring to our writings. “I just didn’t get it before, but now it all makes sense.”

 
Never a literaphile, Hilton opted to skip reading the books in favor of only seeing the film…most likely to play the Twilight drinking game. (We have a feeling Brandon Davis has seen the movie that way about a thousand times at this point.) So Paris, we salute you as our Awesome Reader of the Week. And we ask that you take our advice one more time and read the books. Especially New Moon. There’s open casting in Canada as we speak, and while you’ve missed out on your chance to play Rosalie (an inspired casting idea in our humble opinion), we think you would make a FABULOUS Gianna. Especially now that Steph Meyer has come out and said that Gianna didn’t survive to become one of the Volturi guard and instead was used to “sustain them.” Maybe you could take Mischa Barton with you.

paris-hilton

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