Awesome Teen Mag

Like all of you, dear ATM readers, we have been following this Chris Brown/Rihanna beat-down sitch VERY closely. We remember so fondly the brighter days of the happy couple: Tweeting about Chris sitting on Rih Rih’s lap at the Mtv Awards, listening with envy to reports of their romantic dual-concert in Australia, and wondering if Doublemint hired Chris Brown to sing that “double your pleasure” line in his song, or if he offered to be their spokesperson AFTER singing it to avoid a lawsuit. (Ok, that last one wasn’t really couple-related, but it’s been on our minds for a while now!)

We were shocked when we came home from our own Grammy function on Sunday night (a visit to our Grammy’s house, that is, not the awards show) to learn of the allegedly violent tirade Chris launched upon Rihanna in the car on their way home from Clive Davis’ annual pre-Grammy soiree. We contemplated what could have gone wrong:

 
1. Did the duo perform a rousing Britney Spears tribute at the party and Chris took Rihanna a little too seriously when she sang ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’?

 
2. Did Chris see how well Rih Rih and T.I.’s song ‘Live Your Life’ did on the charts and get jealous so he decided to top their act by collaborating with the pokey-bound T.I. behind bars? (Where he will be taking all of his meetings for the forseeable future.)

 
3. Did Jessica Simpson pay Chris off to do something crazy and take the heat off her recent Golden Corral-binging weight gain drama?

 
4. Maybe the two weren’t tired after Davis’ party and decided to hit up the video store. Rihanna suggested renting ‘Bring it On: All or Nothing” to see her fabulous portrayal of herself. Chris countered that watching his own performance in ‘This Christmas,’ while not terribly seasonal, was a much better way to spend the evening. The two argued until they were only shouting titles at one another: “Bring it on!” Rihanna probably yelled. And Chris did just that.

But then we realized, this isn’t a case of love gone sour. It’s not a publicity stunt. It’s an act of national service. Celebrity political endorsements, like that bumper sticker on your Prius, became less relevant when Obama won the election. They were left wondering what to do with their time, now that their days of campainging and party-throwing were behind them. (We hear Oprah’s opening a school for deaf penguins in the Arctic. Hopefully she’ll screen the instructors a little better this time. BURN, Oprah!) They’re looking to new charitable pursuits and Chris Brown, who has gone on record as saying he himself was the victim of domestic abuse, has decided to use his fame as a way to bring attention to the cause. And thus, Chris Brown, we salute you for taking a shot at domestic abusers nationwide. For beating this problem before it gets worse. For smacking up the bitch that is domestic violence. Kudos sir, kudos. We plan to rally support and fight this fight “with you, with you, with you, with you. Heeeeeeyyyyeaaahh.”