Long ago (longer than we care to remember), the birth of reality television gave us all hope that no matter what our situation, we could make it in this world. Who cared that you were failing out of college, got fired from your dead end job, or had your heart broken by the love of your life? Reality TV was there to pick up the pieces, help you reinvent yourself and gain fame ten times that of your former life. When model Eric Nies stopped booking gigs, MTV made him a workout sensation and the host of his own TV show, The Grind. Just when small town Texas girl Kelly Clarkson thought she was destined to sing in a church choir, FOX made her a pop sensation. And when Travis Stork couldn’t find love on his own, ABC made him the most attractive man in the country, gave him the chance to date Carrie Underwood, and landed him the spot as TV host on The Doctors (the best daytime talk show since Better Half!). Names like LC, Audrina, Whitney, Spiedi, Kim, and Brody would mean nothing to us without reality TV (and coincidently, US Weekly probably wouldn’t exist). If these nobodies can wind up walking red carpets and rubbing elbows with REAL celebs, then what could we have to worry about?
But then something went terribly wrong. In what could prove more devastating than the day Co-Creator A read the words, “the end,” the economy went to shit at just the same time the casting directors of the world got lazy. No longer did they care to sit through 400 bad auditions a day, travel to small town America, or take a risk to find their next breakthrough reality star. Instead, they took the easy way out and began to cast washed up celebrities. It made sense: not only were they hard up for cash and looking for jobs, but they came with plenty of drama and camera ready experience. So much for the fat, drunk, slightly talented, and unemployed people of Middle America: There’s officially no hope for us. Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Rehab and American Idol (what’s up with casting already established contestants?!) have all ruined our chance at redemption and fame. Finally when we all desperately need jobs and it makes sense to go on The Apprentice, The Donald is looking to employ Joan Rivers, Andrew Dice Clay, Khloe Kardashian, and Dennis Rodman. You really think they are the ones to help rebuild your empire, Trumpy? Come on! Melania and Barron are better suited to run things!
And it’s not just you, dear reader(s). Like you, we’re stuck in the catch 22. While we’re excited to know what our favorite teen idols are doing (though we still don’t know how to talk to an angel, so consider Confessions of a Teen Idol a complete bust) and plan to watch MC Hammer’s Hammer Time every week, we quietly cry ourselves to sleep at night knowing that our only chance at appearing on a reality show is to live in a haunted house (mmm…Ryan Buell) and, well, Co-Creator M already moved out of hers. We’ll never be given a rose surrounded by candle light, we’ll never lose the weight gained by sitting on the couch watching hours upon hours of reality TV, and we’ll never become famous for nothing (Paris took her BFF search to London so we can’t even count on that!). Like you, we are about to ditch the headshot (but still keep it as your Facebook default, duh), write a resume, come up with a plan B, and lower our standards (though not low enough to take that awesome advice of Ms. Once-Head-Cheerleader and get a job as a waitress).
But fear not, dear reader(s), ATM to the rescue again! The popularity of the celebrity blog has grown by leaps and bounds and we have devised a plan to get us all noticed (and into the hottest parties)! Tell all your friends about Awesome Teen Magazine. Start Facebook groups dedicated to our awesomeness. Post your links to your favorite articles in forums all over the Internet. Buy an Awesome Teen shirt and wear it tonight when you go out. Write letters to E!, Extra, RPatz (it can’t hurt, right?) and tell them how awesome we are. With all your hard work, it will only be a matter of time before we’ve got a reality show of our own: Awesome Teen Magazine’s Awesome Teen Show: Live From The Awesome Teen Office. In 3D, just like the Jonas Brother’s movie of course!
After fulfilling your street team duties and making us famous (need a few pointers? Awesome Teen Fan Suzi can totally help!), post your name in the comment section and we’ll take you to the top with us. The harder you work the faster it will happen, so say ’screw you!’ to advertising and ‘yes!’ to the viral campaign! Together we will be more powerful than Ryan Seacrest, more famous than LC, and have our own Hollywood-pressured weight loss scandal (finally a diet that might actually work!). It’s a win-win for everyone. Well, everyone except Seacrest.
Archive for February, 2009
Fame: We’re Gonna Go Ahead and Live Forever
What Not To Do Today
Don’t get so caught up in your daydream about interviewing Rob Pattinson and having him fall in love with you that you nearly miss your exit off the Interstate, then narrowly avoid rear-ending the car in front of you (ahem, Co-Creator A).
An Open Letter To MTV
Dear MTV,
ATM co-creators here! While it’s no surprise that we’re suckers for your marathons (when did you start showing Degrassi?! Oh, Canada!), we have to admit that you’re getting a bit predictable with your programming: Bratty 16-year-olds, twenty-something’s with wild habits and zero inhibitions, or guys throwing up, riding their BMX bikes into trees and falling down. At this point, if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all (although kudos on Real World’s transgender casting…(s)he’s proving to be a fascinating, if not often awkward <cough>pole dancing on a support beam<cough>choice!). We’re sick of seeing the same set…err, Los Angeles apartment backdrop (LC, Audrina, Heidi, Vanessa and Angela Simmons have all lived i that SAME apartment…imagine what that closet must look like!), bored from repeated Real World plot lines year after year (you’re back to New York AGAIN?!!), and don’t need to see another fashion hopeful from LA make it big (we’ve got good ideas on the East Coast, too!).
Sure giving Snoop Dogg his own show was a move in the right direction (did episode one really have to have Paris Hilton, though?) and we’re loving the third season of ABDC, but you’ve got to get a little more creative than this new College Life show. Just because you say it “is not reality…it’s real,” we see right through you. We’ve been with you way too long to know this will be nothing more than a Real World meets True Life knock off. (And if you’re going to do that, couldn’t you just bring back Sorority Girls? Now THAT was a great show! Remember the bitchy girls in that Jewish sorority in California?…that was cinematic gold!) The only difference will be the unsteady, handheld camera and rise in the blurred out faces/illegal activities (do you really think your drunken subject is going to take the time to get everyone around the keg to sign waivers?).
So since we’re fans and want to see you succeed, MTV, we offer you what we think will be the most real, most original programming your network has ever seen. As you know in 31 days, T.I. will be moving from his posh ATL crib to the pokey. And if Lil’ Wayne is found guilty on April 20, he could be facing 15 years. Did you see that Fabolous was busted with 500 pounds of weed the other day? There’s no doubt in our minds he’ll be following his rhyming buddies.
Instead of producing Road to Redemption 2 and 3, why not capitalize on their time in jail together? Perhaps call it, “The Iron Jungle: Doin’ Time on Cell Block D” and follow them through their real life struggles of making new friends, joining gangs, and their getting jobs making license plates. We can guarantee T.I. will try and council his fellow cell mates, Lil’ Wayne will get a botched tattoo, and Fabolous will probably still be high (he had 500 pounds of weed!). And with the growing rate of DUIs, you’re bound to have a few good celeb cameos over the years (you know Jason Wahler’s gonna stop by at least once or twice).
Just think of it, MTV, you’ll gain a new male audience, have rights to their inevitable prison-produced CD, and actually have a “real” reality show on your hands. Plus, you’ll have finally found the loophole into broadcasting a Chris Brown beat down, live on TV. Give T.I., Lil’ Wayne, and Fabolous 10 minutes alone with him in a jail cell and you’ll have the fight of the century on your hands.
As always, thanks for listening (and tell Whitney we say hi!),
ATM
PS- In no way is Ryan Seacrest to be affiliated. Mario Lopez, on the other hand, we’d be okay with that.
Economics 101
Despite all of our literary success, we at ATM are not immune to the recent economic slump. And in case you are, here’s a news flash: we’ve run out of money here in the US. We’re not entirely sure where it’s gone or how we’re getting it back (this is almost as big a mystery as that Lance Armstrong missing bike case!), but until then, we here at ATM remain hopeful for our country. ATM is, afterall, always the optimist: optimistic Seacrest will end up like Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood, optimistic that there will be a Real World 82, and optimistic that RPatz will marry one of us). Just think about it: if Britney Spears and Andy Dick (Dr. Drew will save you!) can stage a comeback so can Uncle Sam!
We also understand your need to shop, pamper, and look your best in these uncertain times. I mean, you never know when you’re going to run into RPatz at a bar. And look at Jessica Simpson. One bad outfit ruined her life. Sure we can’t magically make the money in your bank account appear (wait…is this what Holly is dating Chriss Angel? We did hear Playboy is going under.) or give you a job, but we can give you guilt-free reasons to spend money!
For starters, it’s important to stay positive and look for a silver lining in this situation. And by silver lining we mean the silver lining on that cute Marc Jacobs dress. Faced with tough economic times, some of our fav stores are throwing serious savings soirees. Did you see that awesome deal at Saks? What about the $3000 Christian Louboutin shopping spree you can win for shopping at Neimans or the $100 off sale at BCBG? Head down to your favorite boutique and you’re bound to see 70% off signs in the window. You know that $350 pair of jeans you’ve been eying? We bet they will be yours for under $200. (Side note: Co-Creator A just got a pair of skinny J Brand jeans for $70!) A once in a lifetime chance, if you ask us! Experts keep saying now is the time to save money…and that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.
Looking to make your dollar last longer? Get extensions. (For your hair—duh!) There’s no way you’re going to have Blake Lively-esque hair in time for spring since your stylist chopped off all your locks last fall. So why not do as the stars do and get extensions? While this is a big ticket item, we ask you: can you put a price on your own life? Take that woman in Kansas City, for example, whose weave saved her from taking a bullet in the back of the head. That’s right, fake hair was an investment on her life. Not to mention, you’re not supposed to wash hair extensions very often, right? So think of all the money you’ll be saving on Pantene! (BTW, can you believe that both Stacy London and Padma are doing commercials for Pantene now? As if we’d buy any other shampoo when reality TV stars are endorsing this one!)
And finally, why not use this time to get serious about culture. Not doing anything with your days since your corporate layoff? Lucky for you, afternoon movie matinees are way cheaper than nighttime showings, so hit up your local theater! We recommend the dramatic story of a young writer, struggling with career, love and friendships all while dealing with the same money problems that plague us! It’s called “Confessions of a Shopaholic.” This cautionary tale teaches us that in the end, it’s ok to spend a little money on an outfit with a designer label if it gets you the guy, the job and the friends you want. And that’s just the sort of lesson we like to learn!
Throw Us A Bone, Bow Wow
As you, our faithful and devoted reader(s) know, we were scheduled to interview rapper/actor/Angela Simmons paramour Bow Wow last night. The co-creators spent all day preparing insightful questions (which Atlanta McDonald’s franchise do you own?) and working closely with the astute staff of our local Kinko’s to finalize our business cards and press passes (we’re SO legit now!).
Then we retreated to our separate homes to find JUST the right listening party ensembles. For each of us, that meant Apple Bottom jeans and boots with the fur, duh. Meals were missed (a big deal for us), paying work was ignored and weather warnings were silenced. This was to be our first hard-hitting celebrity interview, afterall. The rest were just details.
A few hours before the event, we received word that Columbia/Sony had cancelled the listening party. CANCELLED!!!! WTF!?! How are we supposed to find out what Rev Run is like at Thanksgiving dinner if we can’t talk to Bow Wow? Why, Columbia/Sony, why?
In response to this turn of events, we at ATM will do a bit of our own cancelling. Two can play at that game, Columbia/Sony! Starting today, we will cancel our interest in products distributed by and artists represented by Columbia/Sony. These include but are not limited to:
Il Divo: lame!
AC/DC: washed up!
Marc Anthony: Creepy looking
Celine Dion: ok, that one might be tough.
Dixie Chicks: haven’t made an album in like ten years.
Harry Connick, Jr.: We like Buble better anyway.
Michelle Williams: Nothing without Beyonce!
Beyonce: Crap!
King of Queens: Never seen an episode.
Cashmere Mafia: Cancelled! BURN Columbia/Sony!
Dawson’s Creek: Oh no!! Must. Be. Strong.
But luckily for you awesome reader(s)—though not so lucky for Bow Wow—we aren’t without a musical review. Unlike Columbia/Sony, we here at ATM deliver upon our promises.
In a series of very fortunate events, after leaving our favorite office supply store two eager young gentlemen dressed in digs that would impress Diddy pulled us over in the parking lot in hopes of giving us their new, 3-disc album. We thought they were taken aback by our fly new biz cards (and laminated press pass), but the gasp of awe, we came to find, was brought on by our beauty. One of the fly boys quickly handed us his CD with the disclaimer, “this CD is almost as good as you two are beautiful.” (Our hoodies and lack of makeup should tell you how good the CD actually is). Then he gave us a compliment no Valentine’s Day card would have held a candle to (that is, if we’d received any actual v-day cards): “you two should be right here on this CD cover.” That did it. No matter that we’ve never heard of Cliff Montana nor knew the words to his exclusive single, “Aye Yo.” It didn’t matter that we didn’t understand what he meant by “dope up in my jaw” (we had to ask co-creator M’s street savvy roomie about that one) or why Track 3 sounded eerily close to Track 6. We were instant fans. Unlike the title of his 15-track album, “Beware of the Takeover,” we had no warning of the takeover these two starry-eyed entrepreneurs/artists would have on our afternoon.
Too flustered to admit that we were writers with connections (hello! We represent ATM and were on our way to go hang with Bow Wow!), we handed over the $3 (talked down from $5, mind you) for our very own personal copy. We drove away with a light wallet and a happy heart, ready to use Cliff Montana as our comedic ice breaker with Bow Wow. But turns out, Bow Wow, jokes on you. First ATM review goes to Cliff Montana…as did our $3. The $3 we were going to spend at your McDonalds. Burn, Mr. Wow, BURN!
