Don’t spray paint “fur hag” on your dog just because she favors a wardrobe of fur only like Mary Kate and Ashley. It’s not the same.
Archive for January, 2009
Yes We Can…Keep On Texting
If you’re like us, the level of addiction to your Blackberry is on the verge of necessitating an A&E Intervention from Jeff Von Vonderen. The freedom of checking your email from the comfort of your bed, the ability to upload photos to Facebook directly from Coldplays‘s sold out show, and looking important when you’re trying to impress your crush. Ahhh…the looks of jealousy you receive thanks to your Blake Lively-level of cool.
Sure you’ve thought about giving it up. The struggle of the good vs the evil of your beloved Crackberry has you weighing the pros and cons. On the plus side, not having a Blackberry allows you to enjoy an uninterrupted meal, keeps you from checking Facebook every five minutes, and sending a drunken photo of yourself to your ex-boyfriend in the middle of the night. But without it, how can you text all your friends during a bad first date dinner, keep tabs on your crush’s relationship status, or instantly upload a photo of you and the hot guy from the bar when you know your ex is at home on a Friday night (you should know, you just checked his status). How can it be so bad when it feels so good?
Turns out we’re not alone in our decision. Just last week President Obama told his staff and the country that he would not part ways with his Blackberry, his true Chief-of-Staff. How else will Barry O. check JoBid’s (we’re hoping the nickname sticks) Twitter updates when he’s on duty outside the White House? What happens if Hillary changes her relationship status to “it’s complicated?” And what happens when Malia posts pics of her and her new BFF on her MySpace page (did you not see the sparks between her and Nick Jonas at the Inaugural Kids concert?!)? There are just some things the Commander and Chief needs to know. Some things that he can’t wait to read about on Perez the next morning. And neither can you.
Just like your 2nd Amendment right to bear arms, President Obama has granted you the right to freedom of texting, emailing, and cyber stalking. The next time someone gives you a hard time about your inability to function without your trusty sidekick, just tell them: Yes I Can! I mean, why else would you have campaigned so hard to get a guy elected if it wasn’t for Blackberry acceptance? Oh yeah…to hang out with the cute campaign director.
Twilight: The Musical
Okay, so we promise not to harp on this Twilight stuff for too long (we’re thinking we’ll stop when they finally make the Breaking Dawn film. Nah.), but we’re in the midst of our own personal Twilight phenomenon here at the ATM offices (we’re expecting things will start to get out of hang around here like they did at that RPattz signing at Hot Topic. Mmm, RPattz). While one of our co-creators devoured the books like Emmett with a freshly killed grizzly (she’s already halfway through her second round of the series– you never know what you missed the first time!), the other co-creator is savoring her books like Charlie with a heaping helping of steak and cobbler.
Editor’s Note: She’s just starting “Breaking Dawn” so don’t give anything away!
Given her current position (she’s in the thick of the Edward v. Jacob love battle. Lucky!), we spend most of our days not discussing plot points but rather counting down the days (only 9 months and 29 days left!) until we’re once again reunited with the Forks gang on the silver screen. As we sit in agony (is this what Star Wars fans went through?) waiting for Edward’s lopsided grib and Jacob to cut his hair, we couldn’t help but think about you, our avid reader(s). There’s a part of you missing, as well. You too long for the dreary cloud cover of Forks, where pale skin is the hottest thing going (now if only we can convince the guys at the bar of that same thing). We understand.
Consider us your personal party planning Alice. Instead of doing nothing (Bella would never just sit around and wait!) we’re going to spearhead the inevitable. We’re taking Twilight to the stage. Mary Poppins, Lion King, Little Mermaid, and Legally Blonde. Twilight is bound to follow in the exact same legacy. Heck, if it’s good enough for the President of the United States, it’s good enough for our Edward! Just like the first movie, our production is on a very limited budget, so don’t expect to see RPatzz naked on stage (mmm….Daniel Radcliff). We probably can’t even afford to hire the annoying dude who played Tyler. So we’re looking to you for advice. We want you to be our casting director (if you’re like us, you had some major casting problems with the film). Each day we’ll post our casting selections and you’ll choose our star.
In the meantime…we’ll be busy writing the score. “Blood! Need it, got to have it…but can’t risk it here in Foooorrrks.” Heck, maybe we’ll rewatch High School Musical first. For research purposes, of course.
Awesome Teen Mag Reader of the Week
Here at Awesome Teen Magazine, we take pride in being the voice you, our loyal reader, longs to hear. We’re the advice you don’t know you need, a gentle reminder of the more important things in life (it doesn’t get more important than Facebook, duh), and the friend who says—out loud—exactly what you’re thinking. No matter how difficult or inappropriate that thought might be.
So it wasn’t a shock last year when one co-creator posted her extreme distaste for Ryan Seacrest. We knew that you must feel the same way. How could you not? We posted our opinion, tested the waters and received no serious backlash and no Ryan Seacrest rebuttal. (Brian Dunkleman did send us a lovely fruit basket, but let’s be honest, he’s so Z-list! We gave it to our doorman.) Instead, we saw other celebs follow our lead and speak out against Mr. Seacrest. We had an in-office celebration (complete with Seacrest-sized finger sandwiches and mini cocktail weenies. Burn Seacrest!) when Angelina ignored the wretched roving reporter on the red carpet; we read (and enjoyed) every post on the I Hate Ryan Seacrest Forum; and we LOVED seeing Nicolette Sheridan on Ellen last week. In a passionate response to rumors that she was dating Ryan Seacrest, our newest Awesome Reader of the Week exclaimed that the idea was “gross” and the man in question is undoubtedly “nasty.”
We thank you, Nicolette Sheridan, for finding the courage to say those words on national TV and supporting us in all that we do. You give us and our readers hope that we’re not alone in our quest to survive our awkward teen years. And take Ryan Seacrest down.
An Open Letter To Jeremy Piven
Dear Mr. Piven,
It has come to our attention that you are suffering from what many are calling a rare and possibly fabricated ailment: mercury poisoning. While we at ATM understand and respect rare ailments (the co-creators suffer from a food allergy that destroys the immune system and a scary bleeding disorder respectively…neither of these serve as explanations as to why we’re single, we’re fairly certain), many of your critics have dismissed your disease as nothing more than an attempt to get out of your contract with Mamet’s ‘Speed the Plow,’ but we know the truth: random disease happens. And it happens to the best of us.
That said, we’re pretty sure you’re making this up to get out of a project you didn’t have a ton of interest in. Let’s be honest: Mamet’s not for everyone. We saw ‘State and Main’ and we’ll say it. If William H. Macy hadn’t been in it, we probably would have left early! But when it came time to make up an illness, did you have to go and get mercury poisoning? Perhaps you don’t understand what a scary ailment this is. Raw tuna has supposedly made you sick. Sushi grade fish has allegedly caused you to lose your sense of balance and spacial awareness, and possibly worse. For one of our ATM co-creators, there could be no scarier ailment.
You see, co-creator A likes herself some sushi. And we don’t mean in the casual sense. (Nor do we mean it in a weird innuendo type of sense, jokesters). We mean like 4 times a week. 4 times a week she orders two tuna avocado rolls from the same sushi place…to the extent that when the owner sees her number on caller ID, she picks up and says “two tuna avocado rolls, see you in ten minutes!” Thus, your malady causes us great unrest.
We’ve been fans for a long time, Mr. Piven. We’ve followed your career from its early days in ‘Better Off Dead,’ then on to ‘Say Anything.’ We’ve watched you mature into roles in ‘Serendipity’ and ‘Grosse Pointe Blank.’ Ok, if we’re being honest here, we’re not so much fans of YOUR work as we are of John Cusack’s.
Mmmmmm, John Cusack.
Sorry.
Anyway, we’d appreciate it if next time you’re trying to fake your way out of a project, you select a disease that doesn’t hit us so close to home. Maybe some sort of lima bean fever or liver and onions eczema. If you make us that promise, we’ll make you this one: we’ll see your next project even if John Cusack isn’t in it. That is, if it includes Adrien Grenier.
Most Sincerely,
The ATM Co-Creators
P.S. Mmmm, Adrien Grenier.
