Don’t name your first born Apple Bottom just because Matthew McConaughey named his baby Levi.
Archive for July, 2008
What Not To Do Today
Don’t change your MySpace song to reflect your current relationship status. Your crush/boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/baby daddy won’t think it’s cute.
Aural Love
Sidney Lanier once said, “music is love in search of a word.” We’re not sure who Sidney Lanier is, but we’re pretty sure he would have agreed with Aly and AJ (and Mya) when they said love was “like whoa.”
For years, we’ve used the lyrics of others to express our own feelings on relationships. When things go well, we relish in the sweet sounds of a love song, relying on those more poetic than ourselves to turn a phrase that best conveys how we feel about our one and only. We pick the perfect tune and assign it to our current boo, and every time it comes on, we squeal and clap and turn it up and sing at the top of our lungs.
But what happens when the love you and your boo share ends up in the crapper? That once-magical song must now be omitted from your lifelong playlist. Whenever it comes on the radio, tears are soon to follow. It’s a lyrical reminder of the love you lost.
So why not assign a ditty with a dual meaning to your dude? A song that spans both love and hate can make the transitional period a little easier on your radio dial. We at ATM have compiled a few such suggestions:
Miley Cyrus, “7 Things” – A song about a guy’s faults, sung as only an angsty teenager could sing it. This jam allows you to rage against your guy’s shortcomings while simultaneously singing his praises (pun intended): While the first two verses describe 7 things she hates about her fella (in a way that lets us know she only hates said things because she’s crazy for the creep), the final verse touts his best assets, including his hair, his eyes and his old Levi’s.
Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, “No Air” – Ok, so go with us on this one: If you’re in a long distance relationship, this song speaks to your lonely heart and allows you to wallow in the longing. Lyrics like “but how do you expect me to live alone with just me, when my world revolves around you it’s so hard for me to breathe” will make your heart melt when pining for your long-distance lothario. But, when the distance inevitably becomes too much (come on, you know it will), those same lyrics will comfort you in your time of sorrow. If Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown can’t live without each other, then wailing into your pillow over the untimely end to your three week love affair can’t be as silly as your mom keeps suggesting it is, now can it?
Rihanna, “Don’t Stop The Music” – This songs works on three levels. One, it’s a great beginning of a relationship song. The whole point is Rih Rih is out in the club, getting her freak on (as only Rih Rih can) when she meets a potential suitor. She wasn’t looking for nobody when he looked her way, mind you, but he was still a possible candidate. (This, btw, could apply to meeting guys anywhere…the mall, Chili’s, etc. Though it should be noted Rihanna probably doesn’t eat at Chili’s. Maybe Friday’s though?) Secondly, when you break up, the song takes on a whole new meaning: please don’t stop the music now means please don’t stop giving me your sweet, sweet loving. Finally, once you’ve worked through your feelings of rejection and abandonment, Rihanna gives you something to look forward to. Do as she does and hit the club. You’ll presumably meet a new boo and start the whole cycle over. Thus, what was once your special song for a special someone becomes an empowering single gal’s anthem.
What Not To Do Today
Don’t stop taking birth control just because you’re jealous of all the cute babies on Jon & Kate Plus 8.
How Can I NOT Be A Stalker When Technology Tells Me What He’s Doing All The Time
So Cosmo and our mothers taught us that needy girls are single girls. And we concur. Boys don’t want to date a girl who has to know where they are and what they’re doing at all times. We have spent our lives cultivating our independence and learning how to ignore unplaced phone calls and overlooked plans. We know that when he says he’s spending time with the guys, we shouldn’t call (unless we absolutely have to tell him his favorite team was on SportsCenter or that mom saw someone at the mall that looked just like him!). Cool, calm and collected are our middle names.
But then Facebook and MySpace had to go and wreck it all for us. No longer can we blissfully go through life assuming he has no other female friends. No longer can we think he’s telling people we’re in a serious relationship even though we’ve never had the talk. No longer can we assume he just hasn’t signed on lately and that’s why he’s not responding to our last wall post.
Thanks to constant status updates, friend finder requests and the “online friends” features, we girls have been reduced to pathetic, jealous, clingy, helpless creatures with serious trust issues.
Picture this: it’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon. You and your maybe boyfriend (he totally likes you, he just hasn’t used the label yet) had plans last night, but you haven’t heard from him since his “what’s up?” text Friday morning. Obviously something came up. He probably fell asleep, or had to spend the night with his parents celebrating the birthday of some distant relative. But what’s this? He was online last night and had plenty of time to accept friend requests from two girls (what kind of name is Constance anyway??) and change his about me section (what does “I love Playstation 3 more than I love your mom” mean?).
And now that Facebook has added online friends and chatting features, it’s impossible to think he’s just not around to tell you he’s sorry he never called. He’s online and he’s active…he’s just not talking to you! Who could he be talking to? Why has been on so long if he’s not chatting with you? And then, after an hour of working up the nerve to send a completely cool, not at all suspicious or passive aggressive message, he’s gone idle! It’s enough to make you want to close your account.
But then you’d never know if he’d updated his relationship status. In fact, better go refresh your Facebook page now. Just in case.
