Archive for February, 2008

A Shot At TV Love

February 27, 2008 · Filed under Advice, Friends

In our youth, there was nothing we craved more than a look at the adult situations plaguing high school kids in the 90210 zip code, to laugh at the animated antics of Bart Simpson, and to sing along to the Color Me Badd and Salt ‘n’ Pepper hits on MTV. Sadly, our folks instituted their own parental guidance and we were only allowed the G-rated situations of the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon. (How will our parents ever repay us for depriving  us of the only years MTV played music videos?).

But as much as we hate ‘fessing up to our love of TGIF then, we totally wish our moms were around to tell us to turn off Big Brother 94 or Paradise Hotel 17 now. Because then we would have an excuse to watch Hannah Montana, The Hills, Gilmore Girls reruns, One Tree Hill, or Gossip Girl and not feel bad for staying in on Saturday night to watch Girl, Positive on Lifetime or The Cutting Edge 3 on ABC Family.

So as we head to the couch for the day’s second episode of Gilmore Girls (for research purposes only, of course) we offer another brilliant ATM tip to meld your youth with your adult life.  Simply make it into a drinking game!  You’ll lose the lame-show loving stigma, look cool in front of your friends and finally unleash your inner number one fan as you make up your own rules for each show.

As your once too cool for After School Special friends join you to watch Smallville with a shot of Beam, not only will you look cool in front of your own new fans, but you’ll have a chance to indulge your inner fan.  Make a little known show fact (you’ve sooo been looking for a reason to tell someone you noticed that girl from Rock of Love 2 used to be on Beauty and the Geek) a reason to take a shot.  And make a quirky show characteristic (the infinite pop culture references on Gilmore Girls or Whitney’s well-scripted inquisitive nature on The Hills) a time to drink with the group.

In no time your friends will be enjoying your once-closeted favorite shows and asking if they can come over every week to watch alongside you.  And forget about being too embarrassed to tell your coworkers that you missed the morning meeting because you stayed up late watching Fifteen and Pregnant, because you got wasted and they did not.

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I Want To Permantly Vote Off Ryan Seacrest

February 20, 2008 · Filed under Celebs, Rants

With American Idol’s seventh season hitting the airwaves, thirteen year-old girls across the nation have a renewed reason to finish their homework on time, dump their Social Studies-only boyfriend, and upgrade their cell phone plans to better text in favor of their new number one.   Yes, there will be twelve new hot boys to give the adolescent girls something to swoon over (and the middle school boys someone to idolize).  But deep down all the girls know better than to lust after this year’s Sanjaya; because they long for stability.  They know their true Idol will be on stage every year.  That idol is Ryan Seacrest. 

Ten years the wiser, I see that there is nothing attractive about Ryan Seacrest.  Sure, no one reads a teleprompter better, but can he have a conversation without one? Yes, he has a handful of amazing costars, but does he ever stand next to them? Are they ever in the studio at the same time?  He claims that the Hollywood elite call his cell phone to set the record straight, but does he ever call them?  Would they ever accept a dinner invitation from him?

The answer is a resounding no.  No to all the questions.

Ryan Seacrest is that guy in High School that came to your parties just to fish the beer cans out of the pool so your parents wouldn’t find out you had a party. He was also that guy who rolled up his sleeves, wore a tie, and made organizing the Homecoming football game look like a matter of National Security.  He tried too hard then and he’s trying too hard now.

And that’s exactly why I am petitioning the courts for a restraining order against this menace.  I got rid of That Guy from high school and there’s no way I ever want him back…even if he brushes shoulders with the Hollywood It-Girls.  I’m not in the position to meet famous people (weird, I know. As co-founder of Awesome Teen Magazine you would think that my Little Black Book is full of Star Magazine-worthy indiscretions and my social calendar is written in pencil.), but if I ever ended up in the same room as Ryan Seacrest, I promise you I would flip out.  And not because I wanted his autograph.  I’m not saying I’d be a threat to his life.  I’m saying I would be a threat to my own. Because if I was in the same room as him I would gouge my eye balls out with my fingers. Or I would slit my wrists with notebook paper. Whatever it took to end it then and there.

And while I’m at the court house, I’ll look into getting a little something for Clay Aiken.  If there’s anyone I hate more than Seacrest, it’s that ungrateful Howdy Doody look-alike. 

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Super Sizing Up The Candidates

February 5, 2008 · Filed under Advice, special events

While MTV has been telling us for months how important it is to vote in this year’s Presidential Election, we question their commitment to the race.  Not only did they schedule an important debate on a Saturday night (nothing is more important than going out), but they support holding their precious Super Tuesday on Mardi Gras!  How do they expect us to vote when we’re tipsy and full of King’s Cake and Zattaran’s?  And after those poor choices, why would we take their advice on the candidates?  So, for once we didn’t turn to MTV for our news, but rather did what we do best and logged into MySpace to get the real truth.  What better way to learn the character of the candidates than from surveys written during the work day, personal blog postings, and most importantly, their Top Friends.
 
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON (Democrat)

Number of Friends:  173,179 (watch out Tila Tequila)
How she organizes her Top Friends: Based on who has the best Hilary default photo.
Survey Confessed Interest: Reading.  However, we wonder how good of a reader she is when two of the books she has written have been Dear Socks, Dear Buddy: Kids’ Letter to the First Pets and Drawings by Child Survivors of the Rwandan Genocide. Hey Hil, not cool to exploit teenage youth for your literary needs. Oh wait…
Why You Should Vote For her: Just like us, Hillary loves ice cream and shopping!  She is a member of both the TCBY and the Wal-Mart Board of Advisors.


MIKE HUCKABEE (Republican. Hey…just like One Republic. They’re so hot right now!)Number of Friends: 34,470
#1 Friend: Janet Huckabee (His Baby Mama)
#1 Supporter: Stephen Colbert. Not nearly as hot as Dane Cook, but still kinda hot for an old guy.
MySpace Confessed Talent: Rockstar. Plays bass for the band, Capitol Offense: www.myspace/capitoloffense who jams in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion
Hottest venue played: Chuck Norris’ ranch. Next stop…the White House. Hey, if you hear the White House rockin’, don’t come a knockin’. Hilary is soooo not going to be on the VIP list.
Why you should vote for him: He understands MySpace’s importance and took the guess work out of stalking…he posted his address and phone number. Take that Google.

BARACK OBAMA (Democrat)

Number of Friends: 254,178 (watch out Hillary)
Top Friends: Massachusetts for Obama, Arizona for Obama, Illinois for Obama, Iowa for Obama…okay, every state for Obama…AND Third Eye Blind
Trendsetting Contribution:  The cell phone ringtone that says, “It’s time to answer the call.”Why You Should Vote For Him: That girl on YouTube said he was hot. Plus she has crush on him and since 5.7 million people know that, you should have a crush on him, too. 

JOHN McCAIN (Republican. He likes One Republic, too? How cool.)

Number of Friends: 44,639
Top Friend: What?! Meghan is not his Top Friend?!  This could be his downfall.  She’s the only reason he’s still in the campaign. I mean, have you not been keeping up with mccainblogette.com? She’s the one who tells him how to be cool…and is doing all the work on the campaign trail. #1 Supporter: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Why You Should Vote For Him: A vote for John is a vote for Meghan. She’s on MTV. A lot. We think she might be sleeping with Sway….which would cause one heck of a scandal over the next four years. Screw you Amy Carter…and your morals. 

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To Diet For

February 4, 2008 · Filed under Advice

It’s Monday and you know what that means: time to start your diet.  After a weekend of waistline fighting beverages (maybe that fourth white Russian was a bad idea) and calorie-heavy snacking (Superbowl Sunday isn’t the time to watch what you eat!), this week will finally be the one that kicks off your year of healthy eating.  We at ATM understand the plight of the dieter, so we’ve compiled a few simple tips to help you out.  Read on to begin your journey to svelteness.

1. Lower Carbs=Lower Dress Size
For years the debate over whether or not low-carb dieting is a healthy way to lose weight has carried on.  We say healthy schmeatlhy, bring on the bunless Big Mac!  The benefits of low-carb eating are obvious: eat all the fat you can stomach, while dropping pounds faster than you can say flame-broiled-Whopper!  While doctors might suggest you stick to leafy greens and lean meats like fish or chicken, we say indulge your dieting self!  Just because the first three letters of diet spell “die,” doesn’t mean you have to kill yourself for weeks on end.  Drive through your favorite fast food haunt and order a burger without the bun.  Eat bacon until it comes out of your ears.  And remember, like they say in Mean Girls, butter isn’t a carb.  So slather it on whatever you eat!  We recommend pairing this diet with exercise, so give your wallet a work out and buy a couple pounds of carbless crab legs, melt a stick of butter and get to crackin!

2. Don’t Grocery Shop on Sunday Night
The notion of starting your diet will make you instantly hungry and ornery.  For this reason, grocery shopping at the very beginning of your diet is a bad idea.  If you must shop before the diet begins (and we say why bother when most restaurants offer several diet-friendly options all week long), then go a few days prior to the diet.  That way, you can shop for boring items like lettuce, granola and Special K, and then immediately go home to make yourself a double decker grilled cheese with bacon on Texas Toast.  Or, do your grocery shopping mid-diet-week.  By then, you will be so hungry that spinach, fat free cheese and canned tuna fish will sound heavenly.  Plus, if you stop by your local grocer on Sunday night, you might be tempted to take advantage of the two-for-one Ben and Jerry’s special.  This is always a bad way to start your diet.  Unless you can finish both on Sunday night, which totally doesn’t count.

3. Order Salads
Everyone knows that salads are the go-to diet selection.  But did you also know they are one of Mother Nature’s most satisfying and flexible meals?  It’s true!  Salads are what you make them, so try a few different kinds to keep your diet from getting too boring.  For instance, add chicken to your salad to take it from a side dish to a meal.  We recommend adding fried chicken tenders.  This allows you to cheat the system:  You’re still keeping to your diet by eating a “salad” but you can remove the tenders from on top of the salad and eat them on their own: giving you two meals!  (And no, eating friend, flour-drenched pieces of chicken is NOT breaking your diet since they came on top of a salad.  A SALAD.)

4. No Pressure
We know as well as anyone that sticking to a diet can be tough!  (The ATM team has a weakness for cheap Mexican and 5 Guys fries.  Not together.  Though now that you mention it…) Just remember not to put too much pressure on yourself.  If you break your diet once, it’s not the end of the world.  Just use it as an excuse to keep breaking the diet and start over next Monday!

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