Let’s face it. Not a middle school career went by without some serious ugly. Awkward braces, skin that you’d rather not talk about and hair cuts that your mom thought were a good idea. You’ve had it all and seen it all. But somehow in the mix, there were the cool kids. What did they have that us, I’d-rather-be-dead teens did not? Well, in some cases it was a cool ass name. With a cool name (and probably an even cooler nickname), how was it possible for people not to want to be your friend…even with all your disforming features?
Enoch Strange, Danny Disco, that old military guy Commander Flex Plexico, the strong man Magnus Ver Magnusson, even Ron Mexico. Those are people you just want to be friends with…even if one has herpes. You can’t deny that they were dealt the, “I am already and will always be cooler than you,” hand at birth.
So as Jennifer Lopez gets ready to pop out what could be two of the ugliest Skeletor babies the world has ever seen, we here at ATM urge her to consider the coolest of cool names. You might have some street cred, J.Lo, but your babies’ daddy could possibly pass down his anorexic looks and his bad music gene. In case you’re busy pushing, we’ve come up with a few suggestions…all of which we would become friends with…despite their social awkardness.
For the gals:
- Selena Anthony: named for the role that launched Lopez into stardom, and started the Latina’s monetary empire: She was the first Latin American actress to get a million dollars to star in a film.
- Rosie Per-pez Anthony: Before JLo the actress or singer, there was JLo the dancer. Fly Girl, to be specific. And who taught In Living Color’s in-house dance troupe their fly moves? None other than Miss Rosie Perez. We took the poetic license to combine Rosie’s last name with Jenn’s to make a hell of a meaningful middle name.
- Sweet Face Anthony: Maybe it’s not her most successful endeavor (um, it’s not sold at Steve and Berry’s like Amanda Bynes and SJP. Get on it, J.Lo!), but we sure think Sweet Face would make an adorable name for a chubby little baby.
- Diva Lopez-Anthony: This one speaks for itself.
- Tonight Anthony: Arguably, Waiting For Tonight was one of Lopez’s best songs to date. By naming her (inevitably) high maintenance baby Tonight, she can constantly remind us of the song. She will forever be “waiting for Tonight.”
And the guys:
- Bennifer Lopez-Anthony: Before she married her current Dullsville husband, JLo was best known for ushering in a new kind of ghetto-meets-Old Hollywood-red carpet style, all on the arm of her then-beau Ben Affleck. The relationship sparked what would become the hottest trend in gossip mags: celebrity couple nicknames. Maybe Jenn would like to name her son after the celebrity nickname that started it all. And thanks to the language barrier, Marc Anthony might not even catch the reference! (What? He’s actually American? No way! That guy’s Spanish! No? Really? Whatever.)
- Jarc: There’s a reason this couple never generated a celebrity nickname.
- Block: She’s Jenny from the, so why not make her baby Block from the Jenny? Plus, he’d totally fit in with celeb noun-named babies like Michael Jackson’s Blanket and Jason Lee’s Pilot Inspektor!
