2008 January « Awesome Teen Mag

Archive for January, 2008

What’s In A Name?

January 29, 2008 · Filed under Advice, Celebs

Let’s face it. Not a middle school career went by without some serious ugly. Awkward braces, skin that you’d rather not talk about and hair cuts that your mom thought were a good idea. You’ve had it all and seen it all. But somehow in the mix, there were the cool kids. What did they have that us, I’d-rather-be-dead teens did not? Well, in some cases it was a cool ass name. With a cool name (and probably an even cooler nickname), how was it possible for people not to want to be your friend…even with all your disforming features?

Enoch Strange, Danny Disco, that old military guy Commander Flex Plexico, the strong man Magnus Ver Magnusson, even Ron Mexico. Those are people you just want to be friends with…even if one has herpes. You can’t deny that they were dealt the, “I am already and will always be cooler than you,” hand at birth.

So as Jennifer Lopez gets ready to pop out what could be two of the ugliest Skeletor babies the world has ever seen, we here at ATM urge her to consider the coolest of cool names. You might have some street cred, J.Lo, but your babies’ daddy could possibly pass down his anorexic looks and his bad music gene. In case you’re busy pushing, we’ve come up with a few suggestions…all of which we would become friends with…despite their social awkardness.

For the gals:

Selena Anthony: named for the role that launched Lopez into stardom, and started the Latina’s monetary empire: She was the first Latin American actress to get a million dollars to star in a film.
Rosie Per-pez Anthony: Before JLo the actress or singer, there was JLo the dancer. Fly Girl, to be specific. And who taught In Living Color’s in-house dance troupe their fly moves? None other than Miss Rosie Perez. We took the poetic license to combine Rosie’s last name with Jenn’s to make a hell of a meaningful middle name.
Sweet Face Anthony: Maybe it’s not her most successful endeavor (um, it’s not sold at Steve and Berry’s like Amanda Bynes and SJP. Get on it, J.Lo!), but we sure think Sweet Face would make an adorable name for a chubby little baby.
Diva Lopez-Anthony: This one speaks for itself.
Tonight Anthony: Arguably, Waiting For Tonight was one of Lopez’s best songs to date. By naming her (inevitably) high maintenance baby Tonight, she can constantly remind us of the song. She will forever be “waiting for Tonight.”

And the guys:

Bennifer Lopez-Anthony: Before she married her current Dullsville husband, JLo was best known for ushering in a new kind of ghetto-meets-Old Hollywood-red carpet style, all on the arm of her then-beau Ben Affleck. The relationship sparked what would become the hottest trend in gossip mags: celebrity couple nicknames. Maybe Jenn would like to name her son after the celebrity nickname that started it all. And thanks to the language barrier, Marc Anthony might not even catch the reference! (What? He’s actually American? No way! That guy’s Spanish! No? Really? Whatever.)
Jarc: There’s a reason this couple never generated a celebrity nickname.
Block: She’s Jenny from the, so why not make her baby Block from the Jenny? Plus, he’d totally fit in with celeb noun-named babies like Michael Jackson’s Blanket and Jason Lee’s Pilot Inspektor!

Re-VAMP-ing Miss America

January 28, 2008 · Filed under Reality TV, special events

Q:What do pregnant teens and Miss America have in common?
A: Crowning!

When Nickelodeon’s teen sweetheart got knocked up and the singing poster child for high school independence got naked, the world skidded to a halt for some much needed social evaluation. What sort of example were we presenting our youth? Were we telling our pigtailed cuties that it was okay to be pregnant and unmarried at 16? As the worldwide debate wages on, TLC attempted to answer the question, “is it okay that Nickelodeon continue to air episodes of Zoey 101 even though the actress is pregnant?” through the American tradition of pageantry.

In a blatant ratings plea, normally hum-drum TLC unveiled their interpretations of today’s female role model in the new, hip 2008 Miss America Pageant Saturday night. Reinventing Miss America to become the new social “it-girl” but claiming the same iconic role model status, the contestants slutted their stuff down the runway in a less than picture perfect fashion. Wearing outfits that covered less than usual (but with somehow just as many sequins), the “it-girl” hopefuls were asked to explain their outfit choices to their young female audience: the overwhelming red dress represented Miss South Carolina’s intense passion (she was totally sleeping with the host), the slit from ground to crotch showed off Miss Tennessee’s long, flexible legs (which we’re sure will play an important role in future charity work if given the opportunity to reign) , and the navel plunging neck line was just as low in the back because Miss Wisconsin considered herself balanced (where? In bed?).

Set to music straight out of Debbie Does Dallas and on a stage built to replicate the neighboring Vegas hotspot, the Sapphire Club, the ladies of the night proactively posed in their cleavage-supporting bikinis in, not a contest of swimwear, but rather plastic surgery, competing in cup size (sorry Miss Wisconsin…). The new Miss America, who was supposed to replace the Lindsay Lohans and Britney Spears of today, didn’t have teenage girls perfecting their posture and learning to walk with books on their head. No, this year girls began stuffing their bras and dropping it like it’s hot.

So when it finally came for the girls to open their mouth, TLC gave us what we’ve been waiting for: the hard hitting questions dominating the minds of today’s concerned public. Using a “man on the street approach” each contestant was asked an uncannily similar question (and without a cone of silence in sight!) And in what could be the contest’s morality-defining moment, one such man on the street (who was way too old to know about the subject) was asked: “Do you think Jamie Lynn Spears should be fired from Zoey 101?” Miss Indiana responded: “No, I do not think she should be fired. Teenagers make mistakes. They’re still people. They’re still human beings. We all deserve second chances.” (News flash Miss Indiana: we gave Britney a second chance-Jayden James-and look how well that worked.)

While we’re pretty sure TLC agreed with Miss Indiana’s stance on teenage pregnancy, they didn’t crown her the 2008 “It-Girl.” Instead, the title went to Miss Michigan, which one can assume was based on her decision to wear a Britney Spears-meets Nancy Kerrigan inspired sheer dress with strategically placed sequins. (It should be noted that the traditional Miss America song was replaced by a techno remix spun by the onstage DJ.) With a year to reign, the 19-year old will have just enough time to become the first Miss America teenage mom, ensuring huge ratings for next year’s pageant…which of course, is the most important point of it all.

MEMO- Attn: MTV

January 25, 2008 · Filed under Reality TV

Dear Carson Daly, Kurt Loder, and Tabitha Soren,

Let me start by saying I was excited to see previews for Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet III. Finally…some new programming with the nostalgia of old. Maybe now I wouldn’t go around singing the ONE Keyshia Cole song that plays every 3.5 minutes, because we all know that the producers can fit at least 15 soon-to-be-hit songs in one episode of Road Rules. And maybe I wouldn’t have to pretend that having my mom pick my date is the real world. Ah, finally…some quality programming.

So when I sat down this week to watch the third installment of The Gauntlet, I expected to experience the Emotional Trilogy– 1. Annoyance: Oh God, MTV has yet another reality show? 2. Curiosity: I’ll just watch the first episode to see who’s on 3. Nostalgia: Aww, I remember that guy/girl from (insert name of Real World/Road Rules season here. But that didn’t happen this time. Nope. Instead, a new wave of emotions came rushing over me. So new, that I panicked: Oh my God, I don’t remember half of these people. Am I suffering from memory loss?!

The momentary panic attack subsided when the doctor told me that it wasn’t me…it was them. He explained that while MTV is quick to shove several previous RW/RR cast members down our throats (oh look everybody, Beth from Real World Los Angeles is back AGAIN.–That’s right. SECOND season Real World.), they have also been trying to introduce fresh blood without actually creating shows for them. Publicity stunts like Viewers’ Challenge and Fresh Meat gave MTV the chance to bring in a whole new group of competitors to shake things up, without actually spending any money on new production crews.

That said, I still couldn’t stomach not recognizing some of the returning vets. Who was Adam from Real World Paris? Wait, was there ever a Real World Paris? And I certainly couldn’t tell you which season of Real World Alex was on…even if I was a contestant on TRL’s Name That Cast Member game…not even if the prize was winning a date with Ryan Sheckler.

So here’s the reality: Give us what we want. You started the reality programming trend by doing something cool, trendy, and hip. I couldn’t wait to age 10 years so I could have my own apartment with roommates that resembled a Benetton ad. We don’t want to see these new contestants…”fresh meat” as you call them….we want the goods: we want feisty Veronica from Road Rules Semester at Sea. We want hot Adam from Road Rules: The Quest. Don’t you think viewers would be excited to know if Neil’s tongue healed properly? Or if Eric Nies still has abs of steel?

While you’ve created this non-real world with people who’ve won internet contests, been voted in by public majority, and have mutated livers allowing them to drink 10 times the normal amount, I’ll still be watching (it’s like staring at a train wreck)…but I won’t be happy.

Lovingly,

ATM

PS—I’m attaching my doctor’s bill. It’s only fair.

Editor’s Note: It has come to our attention that Carson, Kurt, and Tabitha are no longer employed by MTV. Instead there is now Sway, some British dude, and Kim from Top Model (WHAT?!). Thanks for making our point AGAIN, MTV.

Scientology Gone Mad

January 23, 2008 · Filed under Mad Libs

Grab your best friend, co-worker or guy next to you on the bus! Fill in the blanks with the requested word or phrase and in no time you’ll have created your own Scientology PSA just like Tom Cruise!

I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a A PROFESSION and it’s something you have to earn. And because a SAME PROFESSION does, he or she has the ability to create new and better PLURAL NOUN, and improve PLURAL NOUN. Being a SAME PROFESSION you look at BEST FRIEND and you know absolutely that you can help them, so for me it really is KSW (WORD STARTING WITH K WORD STARTING WITH S WORD STARTING WITH W) and it’s just like, it’s something that I don’t mince TYPE OF MEAT with, you know with anything. But that Policy, doctrine by founder FAMOUS PERSON , has really made me go, “EXCLAMATORY PHRASE!” There was a time I went through CITY and said, “you know what, when I VERB it, I just thought “EXCLAMATION!” This is ADJECTIVE. This is exactly ADJECTIVE.

I know that we have an opportunity and, AWKWARD NOISE, to really help for the first time and effectively change peoples BODY PARTS and I’m dedicated to NOUN. I’m gonna, I’m absolutely, uncompromisingly dedicated to that.

MYTHICAL CREATURES are there to help, OK. It’s not just the MYTHICAL CREATURE. It’s not just YOUR FAVORITE POPE. It’s not just YOUR BEST FRIEND. It’s PERSON TO YOUR LEFT. It’s everybody out there. Re-reading KSW and looking to see what needs to be PAST TENSE VERB, saying OK, am I going to VERB it or am I not going to do it? Period. And am I going to look at HOT GUY or am I too afraid because I have my own NOUN to put on someone else’s NOUN, because that is all it comes down to. I won’t hesitate to put MALE GENITALA NICKNAME into someone else, because I put SAME GENITALA NICKNAME ruthlessly in myself.

And I think that I respect that in others, and, you know, I am there to VERB. We’re here to VERB. My opinion is, EYE ACTIVITY, you’re either on NAME OF CRUSH or you’re not on NAME OF CRUSH. Which is it? If you’re on NAME OF CRUSH, you’re on NAME OF CRUSH just like the rest of us. Period.

It’s like, “EXCLAMATORY PHRASE!” If you’re a SOMETHING THAT SEES, you see life, things, the way they are, in all it’s glory, in all of it’s perplexity, and the more you know as a ABOVE PROFESSION, the more you become overwhelmed by REALITY PROGRAM ON VH1.

To read the original, unedited transcript in its original splendor, visit: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article3199668.ece

Comments (1) »

I’m In My 20’s And Love Hannah Montana

January 22, 2008 · Filed under Celebs

Recently, it has come to light that John Mayer attended the sold-out Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus Best of Both Worlds concert in LA. Such a revelation has given closet adult Hannah fans the courage to step up and say they too love the tween pop sensation. I am one such fan.

While normally, we at ATM like to distance ourselves from our subject matter, this writer can’t help but pontificate upon the bomb ass-ness that is Hannah Montana. Sure, I’m 25 years old. That doesn’t mean I can’t love me a little Disney musical action. I admit it. I Tivo new episodes. I bought the CD (on iTunes, mind you. It would be a tad embarrassing to purchase it in public). I know the words to most…ok, all-of her songs. I might even have teared up when I was unable to score tickets to her concert. And then wept tears of joy when it was announced that the concert would be turned into a 3D movie. And one more time (out of sorrow) when I learned the film would only be in theaters for a week and I didn’t know if I’d be able to go.

But none of this makes me weird, because it turns out there are others like me out there! Others who know what “Smokin Okin” means. Others who know that “sweet niblets” can mean something is great or awful. Others who think, “crazy no taste in music 20-something say what?” every time one of our peers suggests we turn off the bubble gum and listen to U2 or Coldplay. Yes, others like the always cool John Mayer, who took a break from his busy starlet wooing and mellow music making schedule to sing along with “Nobody’s Perfect” and maybe even don a Lola wig to keep the fans at bay.

All of these facts help me sleep at night. And I do so at midnight. Right after the 11:30 Hannah Montana rerun. And that’s another thing: Why would Disney run the show at 11:30 if not for the apres work set? Obviously they are reaching out to a more mature market. What kids are still up at 11:30?

Supporting the adult fan base are the guest stars that turn up on the show from time to time. Dolly Parton might be Miley’s real-life godmother, but she’s also a busty blonde who rocks low cut frocks and belts adult lyrics. She’s certainly not there to build a prepubescent following. Neither is Mama’s Family and Carol Burnett Show alum Vicki Lawrence, who shows up every now and then. Don’t forget Heather Lockelar who plays Lily’s mom. The former bitch of Melrose Place is obviously there to score some 20s and 30s male viewership.

And thus, it’s not such an embarrassing thing to be a 20-something Hannah Montana fan. No, it’s a great thing. So great, in fact, that I’m even willing to admit I’m not 25. I’m 26.

Ok, 27. Sweet niblets!

Comments (1) »

« Previous entries

Awesome Teen Mag