You’ve never understood the allure of football. But everyone else seems to like it, especially the cheerleaders. They are always the most popular and beautiful girls. Why would they like something that’s not awesome? And could it be that their love for the game is the thing the boys love about them? They say love is like a battlefield but maybe love is more like under the bleachers at the 50-yard line. I mean…have you ever seen someone make out on a battle field? (Don’t ask, don’t tell, I suppose.), but you are pretty sure you’ve seen an awful disease contracted behind the concession stand.
Maybe you cried wolf one too many times in PE (they ALWAYS fall for the “time of the month” excuse!), but you don’t need to know the rules to football to make a play. Actually, you don’t need to know much at all…the more generic and susceptible to peer pressure you are the better. The winning strategy is simple: follow those around you. To get the attention of your guy, you need to blend in with those around you.
First, make sure you know what team your crush is rooting for, noting the team colors and mascot (editors note: the coach and the mascot are two different people. While the coach has a ridiculous amount of school spirit, he’ll never actually wear a costume on the sidelines.). With this information you’ll know exactly what everyone will be wearing to the party, tailgate, or big game(head-to-toe adornments in the school colors) and what they’ll be saying (“Go [enter mascot here]!!!”). This sense of camaraderie will make you look so cool in front of your crush that you won’t even have to start smoking.
Rooting for the same team creates a common bond, meaning you’ll always have something to talk about with your crush. On Wednesday you can start a conversation by asking if he’s going to the weekend’s game. You can elevate the conversation to flirtation on Thursday by saying, “I really hope you’ll be able to make it out! It’s gonna be a great game.” And by the time kick off rolls around your team inspired outfit will relay the message, “if you sit next to me at the game I’ll let you shake my pompoms.”
You’ve got him hooked. He’s now sitting next to you at the big game (You can totally call this a date!). So far you’ve been able to the follow the crowd and join in with point scoring high fives (omigod you’ve finally touched him!), but it won’t be long before he’ll expect you to say something to prove your intellect for the game. But you don’t know the rules to the game! Plus, the only thing you’ve been paying attention to is the sparkle in his eye…you have no idea what’s even happening on the field!! Luckily, there are a few phrases that can fit into most situations that will show your guy that you know what you’re talking about even when you don’t:
Ask: “What is the spread?”. Each game has a spread. It doesn’t matter what it is. But by asking you look really smart. And if your guy doesn’t know the spread you look even smarter. Note: if he doesn’t know and instinctively checks the internet, you know he’s trying to impress you.
Say: “It’s a rebuilding year.” If it’s your team that’s losing, calling it a rebuilding year takes the blame off the team and puts it completely on bad timing. If it’s the other team that’s losing, calling it a rebuilding year makes them look like incompetent fools.
Ask: “Did you see that play?” This is to be said when the whistle is blown and the guys stop hitting one another. This will prompt your crush to say, “yes! That was awesome!” or “yes! That totally sucked.” A sure fire way to know if you’re going to be the shoulder to cry on or the gal to hug in celebration.
Say: “I wonder what the coach is thinking right now. ” Say this when the camera zooms in on the guy on the sidelines with the headset on and clipboard in hand. Again, this will prompt your crush to either say something negative or positive about his team. Either way, you’re probably getting a hug.
At this point, just like one of the teams on the field (again, because you don’t actually know who’s winning), you’re going all the way. Before you know it, the high fives will turn into hand holding which will turn into a walk to the concession stand which will turn into a pit stop underneath the bleachers for an awesome make out session. You’ve rounded third and are on your way to a homerun.
With this simple strategy, you’ve learned that the main rule of any game is to SCORE!
